I may have...to be more present

"Life is fortified by many friendships. To love, and to be loved, is the greatest happiness of existence." Sydney Smith

I had a not-so-good day yesterday, but I'm having a decent day today. I have lost touch with things that make me happy. Painting. Running with Drake. Cooking. Writing. Listening to music. Laughing. Dancing. Sharing in my friend's joys. Reading. Traveling. Hiking.

I played Wii for the first time on Thanksgiving. It was a lot of fun, but it made me realize (based on how bad I was at it), that I have truly missed a year of my life by not really being there. How is that really the first time I played Wii? Jonathan and I were talking about getting one last year around this time.

I may have seemed okay. I may have smiled. I may have listened. I may have hugged you. I may have let you hug me. I may have laughed. I may have talked about the future. I may have been positive. I may have gone to a birthday party or a concert. I may have sympathized with you. I may have gone to work every day. I may have stared at the stars and been hopeful. I may have had one too many beers. I may have enjoyed your company. I may have enjoyed your wedding. I may have gone to mass. I may have kept up with the garden. I may have been to quail camp and driven to AZ for the 4th of July. I may have met a lot of beautiful, new people and new friends. I may have gone hiking. I may have watched a billion football games. I may have cried with you. I may have talked your ear off. I may have been happy for you. I may have wanted to open up to you.

Sometimes I have listened, but I'm not really listening. Sometimes I have wanted to understand what you are saying but I have not understood. Sometimes I have wanted to tell you more. How I really feel. I wanted to tell you that even though I am smiling, I am not always smiling. Sometimes I have wanted to let down my guard, but I can't. Not yet... but I'm trying. I never thought I would be so reserved, so careful. So scared. I have always been open and honest and loving. I have always been able to talk about everything. I jump into everything with an open heart and mind. Not this time...and I hate that. Sometimes I don't ask questions even though I am really eager to know more. Sometimes I don't act excited or happy when I really am! I can't explain ANY of my actions but I am going to try with everything I have to be the girl I used to be. It's only fair.

From today forward, I am going to be more PRESENT in life. A gift I think I only feel from time to time. When you talk I will be listening and I will be present. I will give you my heart and my whole self. I will tell you my thoughts and feelings instead of shutting down and asking you about yours just to change the subject. I will live in the moment and be the girl I was one year ago. I know her and I miss her. I think I can become that girl if I take ownership of my life. As painful as it is, I can give some of your stuff away. You aren't here and you won't need it. I don't need it. They are just 'things' that I need to learn to let go of. When I can start to do this, I think that girl I used to know will come back. Maybe it's okay that I'm still attached to Jonathan's things, but at the same time, it is grabbing me by the hoodie of my sweatshirt as I am trying to run...