I watched Jonathan's fishing video that he did with Ryan years back. I watched it for the first time since the memorial service. I watched it with John and that was nice. I didn't cry but it was definitely quick to bring Jonathan back to me. Over time, it's not that you forget who Jonathan was, it's just that you don't think about it as often. I was reminded of his calm demeanor. I was reminded of all the beautiful things about him. I was reminded of his sense of humor. I was reminded of his interactions with his best friends. It all made me smile. I still miss him every day but it's tolerable now. There's a new normal. I still hate my house without him. I don't think that will ever go away. So many memories here that it's still hard to be here. I'm getting ready to mow the lawn and I just think about the fact that the only reason I know how to mow the lawn is because of him. The garden will be the same way.
I think I would like to scatter his ashes. I think I need to say goodbye. A part of me really just wants it to be a very small group, but I know the family would all want to be there. I'm not sure how I have come to the realization that I can part with his ashes but I feel like it needs to be done. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. To go back and be part of the earth. Jonathan would want whatever I would want, but the truth is, he would want to be in a river and not in a box. Maybe we will do something in August.
I'm having a great time with John. We seem to get along pretty well. John's nephew, Zachary, was baptized this past weekend. I went to Connecticut with John for that. I first went to Boston, then Rhode Island, then Connecticut. New England was exactly what I thought it would be. It's beautiful. When I came back, my friends all said I am not allowed to move there. Not my plan at this point. I'm just having such a good time. Definitely deserved after what I went through.
