Fly Tying

Last night I went to a fly tying event with the Cutthroat Chapter of Trout Unlimited. This was an organization that Jonathan consistently donated guide trips and flies to be auctioned off for their benefit. Last night, they put together a fly tying event for Jonathan- to raise money for his memorial fund. About 11 tiers came (most of all of them close friends of Jonathan). Many people came and bought flies that the tiers tied. One of Jonathan's friends, Jay, tied a fly pattern of Jonathan's called the Glass Midge. I had seen Jonathan tie it many times, but it was nice to see Jay tie this at the event. It was so nice of them to put this on for Jonathan (and me) but it was also very bittersweet. I can't tell you the number of times I actually lost touch with reality for a moment and looked around for Jonathan at one of the tying spots.

While I fly fished, I wouldn't say I'm an avid fly fisher and I have probably tried to tie two flies in my life. Last night was also very hard because I walked around this room thinking, "maybe I should start tying flies." I have an entire room of fly tying materials- I don't know what to do with. As that thought crossed my mind, it was hard to fathom that I have seen Jonathan tie flies for so many years and I didn't take an interest in the actual tying piece. So often he would show me his new pattern or talk to me about his new idea. He would ALWAYS, I mean ALWAYS, tie something new and bring it to me to look at. We would come up with names together and he would give me the history lesson about the pattern versus the live bug. I was really interested in the way that the fly mimics an actual bug and I always thought Jonathan made some really neat patterns. He was very creative and, although I am biased, he was so good at tying. Jonathan was like a little kid when he would show me the new pattern he came up with. It was so cute and I felt honored that he cared so much about my opinion to even want to show me.

The hardest thing about last night is that I felt an intense desire to go out and fly fish. I have always enjoyed it, but it was just kind of something I did with Jonathan. Something about last night intrigued me- something about fishing, tying, carrying on the Keisling name in the art of fly fishing (not that I'm any good at it). The reason it was so hard is that I know Jonathan would be so sad that I never felt that kind of intrigue when he was here. It was fun- but it wasn't like what I felt last night. I remember mentioning at various times that we should go out on Saturday or Sunday and fish together and his face would light up!  I want to honor his love of it, but at the same time, it feels wrong that I would fish more now than I did when he was here. I don't know- it's just all so sad. He loved fishing more than anything in the world.

After the event, a bunch of us went to a bar across the street and had a beer. While I enjoyed the company and it made things feel sort of "normal" for a minute, all of these guys were planning their next trip, talking about the upcoming guide season, talking about going to the San Juan the next day for a trip. It was all I could do to hold back tears of what will never be.

I love Jonathan with all of my being. I imagine losing your spouse would be a lot different if the two of you had fights all the time, were on the brink of divorce, whatever... but Jonathan and I were inseparable. We shared everything together, we did everything together, we hardly ever fought. We were just so happy. None of this still makes any sense to me. Maybe I'll try to go fishing on Saturday with Drake. Maybe somehow I will feel Jonathan again.

It's just another day

Jonathan,
It's Valentine's Day. It's not happy- just sucks. Today, we would be sharing coffee, talking, shoveling snow, playing with Drake. I might have made you breakfast, but maybe we would have gone out for brunch. You would cook me dinner tonight- usually crab or lobster. We probably would have rented a movie to watch tonight- maybe had friends over to share in dinner. It's just another day I tell myself, but it's an awful day. I really don't know how anyone gets through this. I know it will happen, but I fear that by the time I do, I will have lived so many years in sadness. I'm trying so hard to be happy, think positive thoughts, accept what has happened but I just don't know where to go from here. I want my old life back. I need you. I love you. I'm still in complete disbelief that you are gone- but the pain I feel explains it all. I wish I could just feel better. I know you don't want me to be sad. I know you are telling me, "I love you." I know you are holding me but I just want one more hug. I just want one more kiss. I just want to hear you laugh. I just want you here. I love you and miss you more than anyone can understand. Ten more days and it will be 3 months... I don't know how to live without you but maybe you will show me how?

Our life 3

Jonathan sweat like nobody I have ever seen. He had a rag at our wedding just to wipe the sweat from his forehead because it was hot in a tux. He always wrapped a bandana around his head when he mowed the lawn or did yard work. Jonathan loved to be outside. Most of our summer weekends involved doing yard work- we both loved it. We planted a garden over the last 2 years. Jonathan did the readying of the garden: tilling the soil, adding soil and planting the seeds. I would often get home before him in the summer and I would water the garden, the lawn, the shrubs. I don’t know how many beautiful evenings we shared out on our back patio looking out at our mountain view and admiring all the hard work we put into our yard. I fully intend to keep this up. I will plant a garden, I will trim trees, I will mow the lawn, I will water, I will sweep, I will clean up leaves- but I dread the summer when I can’t share this with him. I hope I have more motivation then than I do right now.

Sunday mornings we usually had together. I would wake up first and would often have to get Jonathan out of bed. He loved to sleep. With Jonathan’s guide job, Sundays were usually the day we had together, so I cherished every minute of it. I would make coffee and usually get breakfast going as soon as Jonathan got up. We would usually have eggs and bacon and toast. We would often put on music and Jonathan would drum on things as he walked around the house drinking his coffee. Jonathan loved to drum. When we could afford it, I wanted to get him a drum set. He loved it. Broncos Football was a Sunday ritual as well. We would make little appetizers- usually pot stickers or nachos, and watch the Broncos. Saturday was Notre Dame. Sunday was also our talking, dreaming and loving day. We would get into deep conversation while having our coffee. We would walk around the back yard and point out that we should do this here or we should do this there. We would walk around our house and do the same thing.

I miss you so much my love. I don't know who I am without you- except afraid and alone. I love you.

A beautiful song

Our life 2

Jonathan loved to fish. Jonathan would have fished every single day if it were up to him. Again, he loved me so much that he would ask, “Is it alright if I go fishing tomorrow with so and so?” His friends thought he was crazy to have to talk to me about it, but Jonathan and I knew that this kind of respect is what keeps a marriage together. Anytime I had something to do, I would always ask him if it was alright or if he wanted to come along. Jonathan knew that during the winter months, even though he didn’t have a lot of work, he still wanted to accomplish things that needed to be done at home; errands etc. and “make momma happy.” Pat Dorsey calls his wife, Kim, “momma,” and rightly so because she is a mom. At first it was weird that Jonathan started to call me momma, but then it just kind of stuck, and so it was.

Jonathan had many other nicknames for me: Babe, Bainsh, Buns, Baines, Pumpens, Wimfum, Wimfin, and Bean. We had our own kind of unusual language. For instance, when I was in San Francisco recently, he sent me a text that said: Bainsh in fransumsifsco. Luv u banish! Pupum with daddy. Pupum is referring to Drake. Drake and Jonathan were inseparable. Jonathan would run errands and Drake would always ride in the truck with ‘Daddy.’ Drake is so good in the car because of this. He would wait an hour in the car while Jonathan went grocery shopping or something else. When I would question whether it would be better to just leave Drake at home for an hour, Jonathan would always say, “don’t you think Drake would rather go in the car and wait for me to come back than wait at home?” I couldn’t argue with that. When we got Drake is when we started to refer to ourselves as mommy and daddy. This past summer, Jonathan would often get home late from a guide trip and as he pulled up to the house, I would say, “Daddy’s home!” Drake would run to the front window, put his paws up on the window sill and look out. He was so excited. In the winter months when Jonathan was at home and I would come home from work, he would say, “Mommy’s home!” Drake would run to the front window and do the same. It was so cute.

Drake and the cats were usually fed by the time I got home. Jonathan met me at the front door every single day, gave me a kiss and would ask, “How was your day?” and “When do you want to eat?” Jonathan was the most caring, sensitive, and wonderful man. He was my best friend. He was grateful to me that I have a job that I like, and I would handle all the bills, finances and I was grateful to him that he loved to cook and did all the ‘manly’ things around the house. Our house was built in 1974. My mom and dad came to stay with us a few years ago and helped us finish our basement. When that was done, Jonathan and I decided to fix up the bathroom on the main floor. We ripped everything out down to the studs and started over. Jonathan tiled the landing going down to the basement; he tiled the bathroom floor, put in the walls around the tub, the new tub, the vanity, a new low-flow toilet, and helped me paint the walls. He was ready to tile the tub area, but all the tiles we found that we liked were really expensive and I could not decide on whether or not we should buy the ones we want or settle for something just as nice but less expensive. We never got to tiling around the tub before the accident, but the bathroom still looks so nice. I think of Jonathan every time I step foot in that bathroom.

Jonathan and I ate organic food and bought ‘natural’ soaps, dish soap, laundry soap, shampoo, etc. Jonathan’s favorite bar soap was called Chandraka. It was $.99 at whole foods. Jonathan called it “Chandraka King.” For awhile, Jonathan and I tried using ‘natural’ deodorants. This didn’t work out so well. None of the natural deodorants we found were anti-perspirants so Jonathan and I were sweaty and stinky all the time. We did this for about two months before we realized that it just wasn’t working and we felt bad for all the people around us. Maybe someday I’ll find one that works!

Our Life 1

Jonathan was the most amazing man and husband. To know unconditionally that he loved me was such a blessing. Jonathan would have done anything and everything for me at a moment’s notice. Jonathan loved to cook. He would wake up in the morning, straighten up the house, drink coffee, play with the dog. Around 9 or 10 am I would get a phone call at work from Jonathan. He would always say “Hime Baines” (our secret language) and he would ALWAYS say “I love you” during the conversation and once when we would hang up the phone. Jonathan would tell me how his morning was going. Sometimes he would have immense motivation and would have talked to 3-4 people already that morning about fishing or accomplishing household tasks. More recent, a lot of our conversation was about our new business, Riffle Hounds Fly Fishing. Jonathan, while he was scared about a new adventure and the possibility of failure, he was really excited. He was eager to leave the Blue Quill and move on to being able to promote himself and his new business. He had not told the Blue Quill yet that he was leaving. We registered the business a few weeks before the accident. We bought a domain name called Coloradoflyfishingcompany.com. We were about to buy RiffleHounds.com. Colorado Fly Fishing Company would be our main business. The guiding business would be called Riffle Hounds Fly Fishing and we planned to establish another business name under Colorado Fly Fishing Company that we would use to sell Jonathan’s amazing photos. 

Jonathan loved photography. Behind our couch in the basement, there sits a Canon camera manual for a new camera he recently got. That couch was our “lounging” place. We would either read, watch TV or Jonathan would tie flies. Jonathan always asked me if it was okay if he “tied flies.” He knew that sometimes after an exhausting day of work, I needed his love and attention. I needed him to just sit there with me and talk. As I look back on that, there were many times he chose not to tie flies because he knew I needed him. I miss him so much.

After I got home from work, Jonathan would usually have something almost ready for dinner. He would have gone to the grocery store and got ingredients for all the wonderful meals he cooked. Jonathan cooked so many delicious dinners for me. What an amazing and wonderful husband. When I got home, I would often check the computer and sometimes I would stay on the computer too long. I was either checking investments, transferring money, paying bills, working on the business stuff, and checking my Facebook page. Sometimes I would lose track of time on the computer and Jonathan would come in the office and look at me- wanting me to come and spend time with him. Oh how I wish I could have those moments back. I would have devoted 'computer stuff' to only when Jonathan was working. I would have spent every waking minute of my life with him. 

Forever Changed

I stumbled upon some other widow/er blogs that made me realize I am not insane. That minute after minute, someone loses a spouse, father, mother, daughter, son... While everyone's story is different, the pain and the loss are very universal.

I read about a widow who wasn't able to throw out her husband's toothbrush. Finally, she put it in a drawer and came across it while cleaning one day. She sat there on the bathroom floor holding the toothbrush and talking to her husband- thinking to herself whether there might be enough DNA on the bristles to clone him. While to many who haven't been through this, it might seem unusual, but to a widow... to me, it helps me understand that all those unusual things I do or can't do are not so unusual after all.

Routine is good. Keeping things as unchanged as possible is good for me right now. It makes me realize that while my whole world changed, there are still some static things that exist today. My job, Drake, Pokey, Toby, my home, my car, my messy garage, my family, my friends... While it is difficult that the world goes on around me, if it hadn't, that would be one more change to have to deal with.

I am very slowly learning about life. It is unpredictable. It almost seems impossible for me now to take life for granted. I will forever understand that someone may be here one day and not the next. I will think to myself as I pass by a stranger, "I wonder what they are going through." How many times have I walked by people, walked in crowds, spoken to a stranger and never wondered what kind of anguish, heartache, joy, love, they have experienced in life. Nobody knows the pain and emptiness in my heart as I sit down next to them in a restaurant, as I stop next to them at a stoplight, as I say 'excuse me' in the grocery store, as I say hi to someone while on a walk with Drake.

I still feel married. I know the saying is 'until death do us part' but I got married with the intention that it would be forever. Isn't it amazing how easy it is to take life for granted? I'm sure only time will tell, but today and for a long time I am married. In my mind, I will be married to Jonathan the rest of my life.

I will forever see the beauty in every person, the magic of a hawk in flight, the comfort a friend can bring, the wonder that is this life. I will know what is really important and not get stuck in the details- the mundane, the things that don't deserve my attention or stress. I am forever changed.