I miss you...both

I wake up everyday and I do "things." I make coffee, I take Drake for a walk, I look for Pokey. I post flyers, I go to animal shelters, I eat. I meet new neighbors, I drive my new car, I pay the bills. I go to watch soccer, I check your cell phone for calls and texts, I look for Pokey. I do some laundry, do some dishes, go to work. I water the garden, I make some juice, and I mow the lawn. I walk Drake and look for Pokey. I pet Toby and give him food and water. I look for Pokey and I give Drake a bath after getting into a skunk. I miss Pokey sitting in the sink waiting for me to turn the faucet on to get a drink. I miss Pokey's little meow. I miss Pokey sitting behind me on the computer chair. I miss Pokey curling up on my lap.

When you passed away, you were the one person I needed most to get me through it. You were the one person who could comfort me, tell me it's okay, hug me, hold me, let me cry in your arms. I was left to comfort myself. One of the things you loved about me was that I needed you.  When I felt bad or was upset, you knew just what to say to make me feel better. When you passed, not only did I have to do it alone, I had to do it as half of me and not a whole. Just as I start to feel better- just as I start to feel good about my accomplishments of getting to where I am, without my other half to help get me there, Pokey disappears. I can't help but relate this Pokey situation to yours. Are you trying to teach me something? If I hold on to hope that Pokey will come home and he never does, are you trying to tell me that is what would have happened to you? If I hold on to hope and he does come home, does that mean that would have happened to you? Of course it doesn't, but I can't help but believe you might try to teach me a few things. You always have been and always will be a great teacher. You understood life a lot better than I did and you always taught me what you knew.

Your cousin, Bree, had a neat dream with you in it. You took her to a garden and you stressed the importance of pruning the plants back in order to flourish. She knew you were talking about much more than the garden. I think about that dream a lot. Bree didn't know that you used to tell me about pruning the plants back all the time. Bree didn't know that you would use the word flourish when talking about gardening. Everything about that dream screams 'you.'

I can't help but think that I am the one being 'pruned.' It's not just about pruning a garden for it to flourish. In life, you would have taught me that we need to 'prune' our lives and our posessions in order to flourish. I can hear you using that analogy. Is that why Pokey is missing? Is that why you are missing? I am learning how to comfort myself, how to get through this stuff alone. Is that a good thing?

Whatever it is, I'm doing this stuff alone. Your cat has gone missing. Maybe he's with you now? Maybe you missed him? Maybe I'm supposed to learn something. God isn't supposed to give you more than you can handle, but I don't believe that anymore. I guess I'm handling it. I guess I have to believe that whatever happens from here on out is preparation for my future. Whether this 'pruning' makes me sad and consumes my life, I continue to believe that I can only become a better person because of it.

I call for Pokey the way we used to... Pucka, pucka. Po-kees. Pucky puck puck. I miss you...both.

Pokey

So- I'm having a major meltdown today. Pokey has been missing since Saturday night or early Sunday morning. Pokey learned how to use the dog door and started going out. He always stuck around right by the house. I think I accidentally left the dog door open Saturday night when going to bed and Pokey must have ventured out then. I haven't seen him since. I've gone around the neighborhood about 500 times- with and without Drake. Typically, Drake finds Pokey for me. I walked around late last night. I found two cats, but no Pokey. I went to a shelter today to look around- no Pokey. He is micro-chipped but didn't have a collar on. The micro-chipping company has put out alerts to vets and shelters in the area. I posted signs all over my neighborhood, but not one phone call today. I'm totally freaking out- and of course thinking the worst- especially since he always comes home and has never been out at night before. I feel like such a failure. If Jonathan were here, this wouldn't have happened. I let him down and can't even take care of our animals. Not to mention the sadness of possibly losing Pokey too. I'm so angry and sad- I can't even believe this is happening. I must have really done something wrong in life to deserve all of this heartache. I miss him so much. I'm just sick to my stomach. For anyone reading this, please pray that my baby comes home.

Birthdays

Am I allowed to rant? I realize people don't think about situations like mine. I realize people just don't think- in general. For goodness sake though! To complain about being another year older!? To complain about getting old? To complain about turning 30, 40, 50, 60... What you aren't seeing is that you made it to another year! You lived life one more year. You made it to 30, 40, 50, 60! What a blessing! I realize it's the pits getting old- especially if you start to feel old... but, I wish you would realize how much life you have been given, how much you have experienced. I wish you would count your blessings because you are a mother, father, sister, brother, grandmother, grandfather. You lived long enough to become one of those things. You lived long enough to form those relationships. Be thankful for the age you are and where you are in life- even if it's not where you hoped to be... Be thankful for all you have been through and all you have accomplished. Be thankful for living!

Almost 7 months...

This month will mark 7 months without Jonathan. In real life- when I was the person I used to know- 7 months was a long time. Days were different. Weeks were different. Months were different. Last year at this time, I was happy. I still can't believe it will be 7 months. I wonder when it won't feel like November was just last month. Maybe when I start to live again. Today, I caught myself talking to Drake in this voice Jonathan used to do. I didn't even realize I was doing it until I said it. It was really pretty good- I've never done it before and somehow it sounded exactly like him. I still can't believe he is gone. It's almost like my mind and heart are not connecting. I see pictures of him and I think- yes, I know this man. He was my husband and in my life for 8 years. I know him and I know him well. Then, I realize he's not here and never will be again and this distance thing seeps in- like I don't know him. Although it feels like November was last month, my fresh memories, my knowing him like the back of my hand, now actually does feel like 7 months has gone by without him. I hate that. In two months, it would have been our 6 year anniversary. I remember our 5 year like it was yesterday. When it seems that time stands still, in ways, I think it really does.
There was a terrible accident on the interstate at 2:40 this morning. Two people lost their lives. Pain seeps back in. My oh my. The instances of sobbing are less and less as time goes on. I'm beginning to realize I get sad when loved ones leave. Jonathan's Dad, sister Mallory, Aunt Judy, and cousin Abby all came to plant my vegetable garden the last few days. There was a lot of love in the house. When they left, I was again, alone. I was again sad. I hope this doesn't become a pattern of being overwhelmingly sad when people leave me...ugh.

Thank You my love

Jonathan,
Thank you for the man that you are. Thank you for making my life wonderful and full of love and happiness. Thank you for loving animals as much as me. Thank you for always being there when I needed you. Thank you for introducing me to your wonderful family. Thank you for all the love in your heart and for showing me that love. Thank you for being persistent. Thank you for having passion in life. Thank you for making me remember that there is more to life than the things I used to stress about. Thank you for showing me unconditional love. Thank you for your insight, opinions, advice, and guidance. Thank you for going hiking with me- even though there wasn't a destination like you would have preferred. Thank you for making Drake dog the kind and loving dog he is. Thank you for your immense respect for me and my opinions. Thank you for all that you did to make me happy. Thank you for getting me out of the house when sometimes I didn't feel like it. Thank you for introducing me to your wonderful friends. Thank you for being supportive of everything I wanted to do. Thank you for picking up the slack when I felt like being lazy. Thank you for grocery shopping. Thank you for coming to work functions when I know you didn't want to. Thank you for putting things into perspective when I would get worked up. Thank you for your disorganization. Thank you for your stinky waders and boots. Thank you for praying with me. Thank you for loving me more than anything in the world. Thank you for talking about me to your fishing buddies and clients. Thank you for thinking I was a good wife. Thank you for the nights on the back patio, with the fire pit and our friends. Thank you for the 4th of July housewarming party. Thank you for cooking for me and our friends. Thank you for grilling delicious food. Thank you for sweating while you made our house a home. Thank you for tiling the landing. Thank you for putting in our tub, vanity, and for painting, sanding, caulking, plumbing, soldering... Thank you for your beautiful eyes and your beautiful smile and your beautiful hands and head and heart. Thank you for making up funny nicknames. Thank you for constantly making me laugh. Thank you for my beautiful engagement ring, my wedding ring, handmade anniversary and Valentine's cards, peridot ring, amber necklace and earrings for our 4th anniversary, sapphire necklace, orchid for my birthday last year... and on and on and on. Thank you for loving music. Thank you for drumming on the steering wheel and around the house. Thank you for dancing with me. Thank you for getting everything ready to go camping. Thank you for trimming trees. Thank you for holding my hand. Thank you for constant hugs. Thank you for constant kisses. Thank you for encouraging me to go out and do something nice for myself. Thank you for going to MN, Austin, AZ, Vegas, to see family and friends. Thank you for our wonderful trip up to British Columbia, Vancouver, OR, Yellowstone... Thank you for taking such amazing photographs. Thank you for breaking dishes while you were washing them. Thank you for doing the best job at your work. Thank you for saving everything you owned since you moved out on your own. Thank you for marrying me in the Catholic church. Thank you for putting up with my disorganization of papers! Thank you for putting up with my attitude. Thank you for taking care of me when I was sick and had my wisdom teeth out. Thank you for loving fishing and camping and hiking and hunting. Thank you for playing the guitar. Thank you for loving birds and trees and plants and elk. Thank you for spotting wildlife everywhere we went. Thank you for always being honest with me. Thank you for always sharing your thoughts and feeling with me. Thank you for being my best friend. Thank you for being my husband.

I could go on and on. This is just a small portion of what makes you the man I love and the man I will forever miss. Do you remember this? I got a promotion and this is our email conversation. Oh how I want a million more of these conversations...

To Jonathan: 

Thought this might be fun to see. This is the email that went out.

Brianna Keisling has just been promoted to manager of the Business Analyst and Testing Coordinator teams.  Brianna will not only be responsible for managing the existing Business Analyst and Testing Coordinator teams, she will also be working to establish the new testing team (Jennifer sent out an email a couple weeks ago describing this new team).  Over the next several weeks we will be working out the details of Brianna's transition into her new role.  Please join me in congratulating Brianna on her new opportunity!

>>> "Jon&Brie" 9/25/2009 1:04 PM >>>

Thanks babe, this is awesome to see.  I am very proud of your hard work!  Do I have permission to send it out to others?

No- don't send it to anyone- that's silly. I just thought you would like to see it.