I went to Utah- to Canyonlands and Arches with what I guess you could call strangers. I knew one of them, but not very well. The other two I didn't know at all. They aren't strangers anymore, but it was quite an adventure. Jonathan would be so proud of me. After 11 months of pure hell, pain, and life without you, I feel alive again. Life still exists and there are people like you that I can share this with. It's definitely not the same as sharing life with you, but as I get more comfortable, as I can open up more, it becomes more fun and exciting to share life with others, with friends. While I know how you would have enjoyed the night hike to the Arch and the sunrise, I also get to see how others enjoy it. I get to know you and know how you would have felt, how you would have reacted, how you would have been on this whole trip, and I get to be with other people who love life and these experiences as much as we do. I carry you everywhere I go.
I went camping without you. That was hard. My first time. I kept thinking, Jonathan would have done this... Jonathan would have done that. Instead of dwelling on that, I did it. I took everything I learned from you, my love, and I did it. I pulled strength from out of nowhere. I brought our stuff- your stuff. All the things you taught me, I remembered. I did the things you did so many times. While I wished you were there, it was also okay at the same time. I was comfortable, happy. Happy to be with people who love life like me. I was scared because camping was our thing. We loved it. We had a great time together. We shared so much. We were so happy to be outside and sharing it. I will never forget our last camping trip. We spent a good 2 hours sawing a dead tree down. When I had blisters and got tired, you took a turn, then I took a turn, and on and on it went. Drake chased the flashlight and shadows. You took photos. I'm trying to learn how to use the camera, but I'm not as good as you. I took a neat fire picture. I got frustrated when I didn't know how to slow the shutter speed. We tried to read up on it, but I sort of shut down. I wanted you to show me how to do it and you weren't there so I didn't want to learn anymore. I can't believe how much I miss you. I can believe it, but it comes in these crazy waves of being okay and not so okay. It's hard not having my best friend. My person I can talk to about anything. My support. My love. I haven't cried in a long time, but tonight I am.
That doesn't mean I'm not okay. I'm crying because I am separating from you. I'm doing 'the impossible' without you and it is going ok. I like this and hate this all at the same time. The part that keeps me going is that I know you are here with me through everything I do and that's how I know I am ok.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
My mom told me...
she is amazed by me. I have always been resilient. I have always been able to spring back to life and she is amazed at my ability to do this. When crazy things would happen to me or life would take me in another direction, I always seemed to be able to cope better than most people. I have always had this inherent understanding that I am not in control; I cannot control what is happening or has happened. I can look for the wonderful things in life. I can find the things that make me happy. Being happy is a choice, just like being miserable is a choice. I remember making a promise to myself as a child to always look for the beautiful, the positive, the wonderful things in life no matter what happens.
The beautiful thing about this is that I am not choosing to be happy. I am genuinely happy. I still miss Jonathan more than even I can comprehend, but life is still so magical...so beautiful...and so wonderful. I could be angry, but I'm not. I could be depressed, but I'm not. I could be so many things that I am not and I am so thankful. I prayed so much to be okay, to be able to love again, and to be able to look at the world not only in the way I used to, but to see it even better. It's amazing to see some of these things actually happening. There is life after death. I survived death and I am alive. It's almost like I reached the bottom of a well. I can see light at the top but I don't know what it is... I keep climbing and keep climbing. There is life out there... and it can be amazing. There are people out there who bring out the best in you... without you even knowing it, but you know it because you are happy. There are so many people to meet and so much to learn in such a short time on earth! I want to take every opportunity to be out in the world and experience all that God has given us.
After Jonathan passed, I really felt like I didn't know who I was anymore. I was a mix of a girl in her early 20's and who I was as a married woman, ready to have a family. I am different now. I am strong. I am a little bit of the young 20's girl, a little bit of a woman who knows how to be a loving wife, and a bit more mature. I'm ready for adventure and I'm ready for wherever life wants to take me. I am no longer scared of losing what Jonathan and I had- because it's no longer here.
I have grown spiritually, individually, lovingly, and more than I could have ever fathomed. With how quickly I have moved and how quickly I have learned to accept, I cannot question Jonathan's involvement. Jonathan loves me more than anything in the world, just as I love him. All he would ever want is for me to be happy, to have fun, to be safe, and to see him in another 70 years...I can't be sure where this strength comes from, but I think I know.
A part of me feels very odd to be okay with dating again. It has been almost 11 months. I have heard from so many widows where it has been 2 years, 4 years, 5 years, even 10 years and they are finally ready to date again. What does this say about me? I love Jonathan as much or even more than those women love their husbands. So what does that mean? Just as my mom said... how do I bounce back so quickly? I think it all comes down to knowing that my time in this life is very, very short. I could spend 10 years being sad... 10 years wasting my life being sad, when I know that 10 years of being sad won't change anything. Maybe I can get to heaven and talk to Jonathan about all the cool stuff I did in middle age... all the cool stuff I did when I am 70...Age 29 to age 70 is a long time. A lot of time to enjoy life, to learn and grow. A lot of time to meet people who bring out the best in me.
I wish somehow that everyone else could understand this desire to 'be out there' like I do. I think some people just have that and I think some people go through tragedy to have that. I wish people would realize that work isn't everything. Experiences, family, friends, and life is so important. Go do something you wouldn't normally do. Take a chance. Make a fool of yourself. Laugh about it! Put aside the dishes and chores for a whole weekend and just go have fun. There is so much more to life than stress. Take a road trip. Make Memories! You will soon find how happy you can be when you decide to forget about things you think are 'so important.' They are not. In the grand scheme of things. If you were to go tomorrow, would you be happy that you spent your whole weekend doing chores? That's not what life is about. There's a balance, and if you push yourself, you will find it.
A quote from my calendar: "Where your pleasure is, there is your treasure: where your treasure, there your heart; where your heart, there your happiness." Augustine
The beautiful thing about this is that I am not choosing to be happy. I am genuinely happy. I still miss Jonathan more than even I can comprehend, but life is still so magical...so beautiful...and so wonderful. I could be angry, but I'm not. I could be depressed, but I'm not. I could be so many things that I am not and I am so thankful. I prayed so much to be okay, to be able to love again, and to be able to look at the world not only in the way I used to, but to see it even better. It's amazing to see some of these things actually happening. There is life after death. I survived death and I am alive. It's almost like I reached the bottom of a well. I can see light at the top but I don't know what it is... I keep climbing and keep climbing. There is life out there... and it can be amazing. There are people out there who bring out the best in you... without you even knowing it, but you know it because you are happy. There are so many people to meet and so much to learn in such a short time on earth! I want to take every opportunity to be out in the world and experience all that God has given us.
After Jonathan passed, I really felt like I didn't know who I was anymore. I was a mix of a girl in her early 20's and who I was as a married woman, ready to have a family. I am different now. I am strong. I am a little bit of the young 20's girl, a little bit of a woman who knows how to be a loving wife, and a bit more mature. I'm ready for adventure and I'm ready for wherever life wants to take me. I am no longer scared of losing what Jonathan and I had- because it's no longer here.
I have grown spiritually, individually, lovingly, and more than I could have ever fathomed. With how quickly I have moved and how quickly I have learned to accept, I cannot question Jonathan's involvement. Jonathan loves me more than anything in the world, just as I love him. All he would ever want is for me to be happy, to have fun, to be safe, and to see him in another 70 years...I can't be sure where this strength comes from, but I think I know.
A part of me feels very odd to be okay with dating again. It has been almost 11 months. I have heard from so many widows where it has been 2 years, 4 years, 5 years, even 10 years and they are finally ready to date again. What does this say about me? I love Jonathan as much or even more than those women love their husbands. So what does that mean? Just as my mom said... how do I bounce back so quickly? I think it all comes down to knowing that my time in this life is very, very short. I could spend 10 years being sad... 10 years wasting my life being sad, when I know that 10 years of being sad won't change anything. Maybe I can get to heaven and talk to Jonathan about all the cool stuff I did in middle age... all the cool stuff I did when I am 70...Age 29 to age 70 is a long time. A lot of time to enjoy life, to learn and grow. A lot of time to meet people who bring out the best in me.
I wish somehow that everyone else could understand this desire to 'be out there' like I do. I think some people just have that and I think some people go through tragedy to have that. I wish people would realize that work isn't everything. Experiences, family, friends, and life is so important. Go do something you wouldn't normally do. Take a chance. Make a fool of yourself. Laugh about it! Put aside the dishes and chores for a whole weekend and just go have fun. There is so much more to life than stress. Take a road trip. Make Memories! You will soon find how happy you can be when you decide to forget about things you think are 'so important.' They are not. In the grand scheme of things. If you were to go tomorrow, would you be happy that you spent your whole weekend doing chores? That's not what life is about. There's a balance, and if you push yourself, you will find it.
A quote from my calendar: "Where your pleasure is, there is your treasure: where your treasure, there your heart; where your heart, there your happiness." Augustine
Sunday, October 3, 2010
What I am...and what I am not...
I am in love with Jonathan...
I am a girl one year older...with wrinkles...with gray hair...
I have aged. It's apparent.
I am a girl with a desire to have a family again...but a girl who misses her husband desperately
I am not willing to settle
I am willing to love
I am willing to meet new people
I thought it would be okay if those people were not like Jonathan...but it's not. Jonathan was fun. IS fun. The light of my life. Unique, with opinions, with things to teach me. My love. My love. My love.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. Where are you? I miss you. Come back. NOW. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please.
7 Pleases because that was your favorite number (since you didn't really care about your favorite number, but I made you tell me what it was).
I am strong. Maybe...
I am okay. Maybe...
I am struggling. Maybe...
I am not a girl without a future..it just hasn't come yet.
I am not unhappy either. I just miss you. Tremendously x Infinity.