It has almost been two years since I lost Jonathan. As the days go by, I continue to live and I continue to breathe. I am 30. I don't know what that means. All I know is that I have my home and my dog and my cat and my job. Those things keep me stable and they keep me going. I often find myself talking like Jonathan. It's those times that I really cry because it brings him back to me. I go day by day and while I think about him every single day, it's not as hard as it used to be. The times that I somehow start to talk like him, are the hardest. I talk to Drake like he used to. I talk to myself with words he used to use. While it's easy to forget those little things, they are so quick to just come back to me at random.
It's close to being two years. I still remember that hospital and almost every single situation like it was yesterday. This time of year is really difficult for me.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Ashes to Ashes
"Johnny is home." Jonathan's dad said it a couple of times after we scattered Jonathan's ashes in Trappers Lake. We scattered about 2/3 of his ashes there and will scatter the rest on the Blue River sometime this year before it snows. I felt some kind of bizarre closure after we scattered them, even though I know I will feel even more when they are all scattered. It's easy to forget what those ashes are. Those ashes used to be Jonathan's body. His sweet face and his bald head I used to run my hands over so many times. Those ashes were Jonathan, but I have to remember that it is just his body. His spirit is gone and with God. That is why it is easier to scatter his ashes. He is not there in those ashes. We prayed an Our Father and a Hail Mary. We said a few words. It was really, very beautiful and I couldn't have thought of a better place to be able to come back to and remember my sweet Jonathan.
I gave Nora Jonathan's clothes the other night. It felt good to let those go. I told Dave that while I thought about saving a shirt or something, what was I going to do with it? It would just sit in a box for years and years. I brought a ton of Jonathan's fishing stuff and fly tying stuff to the brothers when I went to Trappers. I know they will get good use out of it all. I was glad to see that also go somewhere where it would be used.
Draker came out on the boat with Anthony, Michael and I to say goodbye to Jonathan. I'm so glad he came with us. I just think to myself sometimes how two years ago, today, my sweet Jonathan and I were about to celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary. It would be 7 years this year. I just think about how two years ago today, I could have never fathomed that we would be out in that boat doing what we had to do. It is still all so unreal. All of it is so unbelievable. I think it will feel that way for the rest of my life.
I turned 30 this year. It's going to be hard to turn 31 because that will mean I have lived on this earth longer than Jonathan. He never got his 31st birthday. Again, unreal. I really don't know how I keep going some days. I don't know how I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I guess I have no other choice. You just keep going. Lately, my life has felt so uncertain and that part is so hard because I absolutely need certainty and stability. I'm stable on my own, but when you throw a boyfriend into the mix, you introduce that uncertainty again. It is tough.
It is tough to want to move forward with someone else but know that it is uncertain. To not know if we will end up married or apart. It is tough for the instability even though it's normal. I'm so lucky to still have my home, my job, and my dog. Maybe that is all the stability I need. Ashes to ashes my dear Jonathan. I miss you so much.
I gave Nora Jonathan's clothes the other night. It felt good to let those go. I told Dave that while I thought about saving a shirt or something, what was I going to do with it? It would just sit in a box for years and years. I brought a ton of Jonathan's fishing stuff and fly tying stuff to the brothers when I went to Trappers. I know they will get good use out of it all. I was glad to see that also go somewhere where it would be used.
Draker came out on the boat with Anthony, Michael and I to say goodbye to Jonathan. I'm so glad he came with us. I just think to myself sometimes how two years ago, today, my sweet Jonathan and I were about to celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary. It would be 7 years this year. I just think about how two years ago today, I could have never fathomed that we would be out in that boat doing what we had to do. It is still all so unreal. All of it is so unbelievable. I think it will feel that way for the rest of my life.
I turned 30 this year. It's going to be hard to turn 31 because that will mean I have lived on this earth longer than Jonathan. He never got his 31st birthday. Again, unreal. I really don't know how I keep going some days. I don't know how I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I guess I have no other choice. You just keep going. Lately, my life has felt so uncertain and that part is so hard because I absolutely need certainty and stability. I'm stable on my own, but when you throw a boyfriend into the mix, you introduce that uncertainty again. It is tough.
It is tough to want to move forward with someone else but know that it is uncertain. To not know if we will end up married or apart. It is tough for the instability even though it's normal. I'm so lucky to still have my home, my job, and my dog. Maybe that is all the stability I need. Ashes to ashes my dear Jonathan. I miss you so much.