Separation

Loving so deeply and losing so profoundly has made me a different person. I see life differently. I feel more compassion. I laugh a little harder. I love others a little deeper and I let things go much more easily. I am so grateful for the time I had with you, my love. Every day I am amazed at something I do that I realize I learned from you. I am so grateful for everything you taught me and who you helped me become. Yesterday was the 9 month anniversary of your passing. I still feel sick to my stomach to think about it. I think back on who I was 9 months ago and I realize it was definitely not me who made that choice, even though there wasn't really a choice to make. I was not even really there for the week you were in the hospital and I'm not even sure who that person was. You weren't there in the hospital either. There was no other choice. Instead of dwelling on what has happened and how I will never get you back, I can try to move on. I can laugh when I think about your jokes. I can smile when I think about you looking at me with love in your eyes. I can be grateful for all the things we learned together, all the things we did together, all the love we gave each other. I can look forward to my future. I can be grateful I have a future, grateful that I am still here.

I went to Dakin and Brenda's wedding this weekend in Pagosa Springs. You would have been there. Ryan did what he told you he would do and got his minister license. He married Brenda and Dakin and it was very moving and beautiful. As I was talking to Kami, I got up from the table and looked to my left to where the boys were standing and almost asked YOU if I could get you anything. Then, I realized YOU weren't there. Then, there's that sinking feeling again...

So often, I wonder how you would be doing if the roles were reversed. Would you have gone to the wedding? Would you have sold our house? Would Pokey be missing? Would you be dating again? Would you have moved in with Mom and Dave? I contemplated that for awhile. Would you cook for yourself? Would you clean? Would you be excited for the Broncos' season to start? Would you take Drake on walks every day? Would you still be taking photographs? Would you be hanging out with Topher and Ryan? Would all my stuff still be in the house? Would you have gotten rid of the king bed because it's unbearable to sleep on? Would you have planted a garden? Would you still guide? Would you try to continue the fly fishing business? Who would have done our taxes? Would my name still be on the bank accounts? Would you have gone to the Rush concert? Would you have gone to concerts of my favorite bands? Would you have gone to the quail hunt? It's funny because I know the answer to most of these questions. If you and I were talking about this right now and you were asking me these questions, you would joke and say that a month after you were gone, I would find another guy, I would get rid of all your fishing stuff, and I would move back to AZ. It's one thing to joke about it and another to live it. That, of course is nothing like what is happening.

It's amazing how your mind and body cope. I was just thinking about how if I was supposed to attend Jonathan's service today, instead of 9 months ago, I don't think I could even go. For the first month, you are completely numb. For the next 2-3 months, you are in pain but also still numb. Come month 4, you are in sheer agony, as the hope fades that this is all a dream. Month 5 is still pretty much like month 4 but brutal reality hits. Month 6 gets a little bit better- you start to feel alive again instead of feeling like you are a zombie. Life begins to mean something again, but different than what you knew before. Month 7 was good. The sun is shining, it's hot outside, I'm plenty busy with Rockies games, friends, dinners, and Drake. Month 8 is where I started to feel the separation. All this time, I have felt you here. I feel you everywhere. I hardly ever felt alone even though you are gone. I felt like I could talk to you if I needed to. I could go to weddings and still feel like you were there somehow. I could hang out with friends and avoid the fact that you weren't there. Month 9 has been hard. August was my birthday and our 6 year anniversary. As I am trying to move forward and build a new life, I can't help but think about what we would have done this year if you were here.

Now that I am trying to move on, it's not as easy to pretend that you are at home. I can't pretend you are still here for me when I don't wear my wedding ring and am thinking about dating. It is obvious you aren't here when I can't get the mower started and days go by and it is still me who has to get the mower started. When you aren't my dancing partner at weddings. When I want to do the things you and I would have done and I can't because I am just one person. When I want to go camping with my family-YOU. When I just want to go to dinner with you. When I want to tell you about my day. When I want to share with you the joy of our friend's weddings or babies. How I wish you were here to see Kim's little belly growing, to know that Natalie and David are moving back, to know that Lindsi and Scott are having another baby, to be there for Dave with his parent's issues, to be so happy for Ryan and Alissa's engagement and Dakin and Brenda's wedding. A part of me knows that you know all these things and have shared all these things with me, but a part of me can't feel that anymore. I don't feel you around me as much as I used to and these things are getting harder to now experience "without you."

I struggle with finding other men interesting and getting excited about the future and the possibility of dating, and still wanting to celebrate my 6 year anniversary. I don't think this means I am not ready to move forward, but I wonder if I will always have that struggle (just lesser and lesser) because I will always love you.

I read a blog from a woman whose husband passed 5 years ago. She is getting married this year and she still thinks about and loves her first husband:
http://widowsvoice-sslf.blogspot.com/2010/08/five-years.html

I suppose I am feeling this separation from you so that I can love again.

More dreams

I have dreamt of Jonathan the last two nights. Saturday night, we were in love, we were husband and wife, we were living, we were celebrating our anniversary. I woke up absolutely amazed that I dreamt of that the night of our anniversary. I wish I remembered more details, but I woke up happy and it felt like I just hugged him and held him and talked to him. I didn't want to wake up.

Last night's dream was surreal. We were in our house, but it was in some place like Oregon. It wasn't our house today, but it was our house in the dream. I felt peace and love. I went outside to talk to the neighbor. It was an overcast day, maybe a little rain. The neighbor was talking to me about his I-80 Account and how they used to be "the thing to get" and now they are not doing very well...Jonathan was in the house and came outside to join me. I remember thinking, "Oh my! You are here! I felt this overwhelming feeling of having a life and a future to look forward to. I thought of our I-80 Account (whatever that is- I guess like a 401K), and I thought about how well we were doing. How our future was perfect. I hugged Jonathan when he came out and we both talked to the neighbor together with our arms around each other. We then started talking about getting a Dish installed in the house, etc. It was the most real and the best I have ever felt in 9 months. I honestly remember thinking to myself... 'This nightmare is over. He is real and he is here and I am hugging him and we have a home and we have a future. Things are back to normal.' Then, I woke up to the nightmare. My evil, evil mind. I love that I had that dream, but what an awful thing to feel so good and wake up to this.

"Love Comes And Goes" Xavier Rudd






Love comes and goes
Sometimes decades sometimes months
Raise you up to the sky
Make you feel like every little thing is bright inside you
Crashing back down
Make you so sick that you want to drown
No other pain, like losing a soul mate

The roads we take in life often seem to be very strong
We walk them carelessly like we’re walking on bricks and stone
Only when we look ‘round we will see the road is packed
Oh, there we must move forward, gently as we tread

To carry our guilt sometimes seems the only thing that’s easy
Even when your flesh and bones and all it is you need
While good and evil will say that the truth will set you free
But I guess we have to wait sometimes, wait around and see

Now see the sun rising again
Brand new colors, brand new man again
Picking up the pieces of the brokenness
Sweeping up the pieces, the pieces that we had

Love comes and goes
Sometimes decades sometimes months
Raise you up to the sky
Make you feel like every little thing is bright inside you
Crashing back down
Make you so sick that you want to drown
No other pain, like losing a soul mate

Happy Anniversary - happy?

Today would be our 6th anniversary. I was so excited to celebrate our 5th anniversary. 5 years was quite the milestone. Six years would have been even sweeter. I feel like I should celebrate 6 years, but I also feel like, well... we were married for only 3 months out of this 6th year. Should it really even feel like a 6th anniversary? It does. I love you and miss you so much my sweet Jonathan. My dear husband. Drake and I went to the dog park today. He went swimming and running. We had a good time. I have chosen to be alone today- to have a day for me and Jonathan. To relax, reflect, think about our life, think about my new life. It's such a weird feeling to want to celebrate 6 years, but to also know it's not real.

August 21, 2009 - in the backyard

Kids in love-summer 2003

Yes. This one is the hardest

Thanksgiving 2009 (Jonathan was in the hospital). Christmas and Christmas Eve 2010. New Year's 2010. Jonathan's 31st birthday: January 13, 2010. Easter 2010. 4th of July 2010. The 7th anniversary of our engagement: June 21, 2010. My birthday: August 1, 2010. The date (2010) of plans for a baby...come and gone. Tool and Rush concerts for Jonathan. Next up: our 6th wedding anniversary: August 21, 2010. I am feeling awful these days. This one is hitting me so hard because my birthday and our anniversary were days we celebrated by doing a lot of special and different things. I made it through my birthday, but two difficult days in one month is wearing on me. 

I had such motivation, such desire to keep going, and keep moving early on. I still strive for that as much as possible, but feeling like I have done absolutely nothing in the last 9 months feels ridiculous to me. Sure, I keep up with household chores, I get out with friends, I laugh, I have a good time, I cry... but I don't feel like I've gotten anywhere. I am redefining myself as a person. I am trying to figure out who I am anymore and what I want and need out of this life- especially what I can give/offer to other people. I feel guilt when I do things that Jonathan doesn't get to do. I absolutely love camping and I haven't been camping this year. I am sort of okay with that because Jonathan hasn't been camping this year either. I know I can't keep that up. I'm not purposely not doing certain things, but if I don't do them, I am able to reason with myself that if Jonathan can't go, then why should I? I guess I am trying to relate to him on some level. If I don't do things that he isn't doing, then we didn't do them together. I know this sounds ridiculous but these are thoughts that really happen when you lose someone. 

As our 6th anniversary (in two days) becomes more real, I am struggling with this one. I am missing him. I am loving him. Not that I don't every day, but it's hitting me hard. We had five wonderful years of marriage. Wonderful to me means struggles, fights, love, respect, humility, God, family, sacrifice, hard work, laughter, joy, friends, support, memories, crying, talking, sharing, communicating, hugging, kissing, laughing...loving and laughing. We had all of that and it was wonderful. It's what a marriage should be. I couldn't wait to have babies with you. I couldn't wait to grow old with you. I couldn't wait to have 70+ more years being your wife. I know you know that and I know you feel the same way. May God lift me up this Saturday. May God help me through this weekend. 

Stuff, stuff, stuff

I'm trying to read Eclipse and I can't concentrate. In between, I'm folding sheets and remembering when Jonathan and I used to fold the fitted sheet. We always had the worst time because they never fold well. We finally got a system down and when we folded it right for the first time, we laughed and high-fived. This cracks me up how we found little things like this so amusing. I just came across some of Jonathan's cologne. Each bottle reminded me of him. Each one brought memories flooding back. I should not have sprayed that cologne. I'm remembering Flagstaff and early days in Colorado.  The reality that he is gone has hit me more and more this past week as I am constantly remembering little things here and little things there. As I was reading Eclipse, I remembered how I used to read with Jonathan sitting next to me tying flies. During a good part, I would explain what was going on. I remember telling Jonathan about how the book is based in the little town of La Push- a place where he and I went on our road trip Northwest for our honeymoon. Did Jonathan remember the rocky beach, the Indian land... yes.

I have recently begun to understand that if my memory of a moment, a trip, or an event fails me, I have no one to remember it with. I would often describe something and Jonathan would remember it slightly different. We would each share our own version and then laugh about it. Now, it's only my memory and when that is gone, all those memories are gone, too. I feel a frantic need to remember and document everything. One day, I will forget these little things that are so precious to me.

I am remembering how much Jonathan used to teach me about life and love. I am reminded of him in everything. Sometimes I laugh and sometimes I cry. If only he were here when Pokey went missing. Somehow, I feel like Pokey would be here right now if Jonathan were too. If only he were here, I would have a working weed whacker- he could do and fix anything. If only he were here, I would not feel so overwhelmed with life. Finding time to take care of my house and yard is difficult enough... I have so many improvements to make that I can't do on my own.  I can't move the canoe by myself, I don't want to fold the fitted sheet by myself, I can't fix the weed whacker, I can't finish the bathroom, I can't move the chain link fence and cement left at the back of the yard, I can't fix the dying aspen trees, and there is SO much of your stuff. Where do I even begin with it all? I'm feeling like my home is disorganized, but at the same time, I don't want to get rid of anything. I wonder why widows and widowers get rid of anything? I think I will only feel that necessary when there is a new person in my life. Otherwise, what is the need? This is my life and it included Jonathan and his stuff. Until that changes, I guess his stuff doesn't have to. Why did you have to go and leave me with all this stuff? I know you are angry too. You don't want me to have to deal with this.

August...already

It's hard to believe it is August. I had a fantastic birthday. I went to a Rockies game on Saturday night, and then brunch and out to dinner on Sunday, my birthday. We went to the Keg- where we went for Jonathan's birthday in January. I got to talk to my mom and dad, my brother, and a number of my friends. My next door neighbor's daughter was over, who just had a 4 day-old baby, and I got to hold him. So adorable.

My garden is doing great. I have a ton of tomatoes, peppers and broccoli. The beans, eggplant and everything else is starting to come on strong. I love my garden.

I'm going through a very weird phase right now. I don't cry most days, but there is a heaviness on my heart and I think of Jonathan all the time. I don't think I allow myself to think about it as much anymore. I have been sad for so long... I just can't physically do it anymore. I truly am feeling better day by day. I look forward to re-building the kind of life I had.

Early on, I read something a widow wrote about how her house is not "their" house anymore, it is now "her" house. I wondered how that could ever possibly happen. How could I ever feel like this house is my house? It's not. It's our house. I suppose it's starting to feel more like my house, but I don't know how I could ever look at that garden and think that it's mine when Jonathan and I worked so hard to get that going. I don't know how I could ever look at my grill and think it was mine- when we spent so many nights hanging out on the patio and grilling. The trees we planted, the basement remodel, the plans and dreams for the house... those plans and dreams aren't mine, they are ours. Maybe someday it will feel like home again.

It's August. It has been 8 months. I had Jonathan's birthday without Jonathan. I had a birthday without Jonathan. I had the anniversary of our engagement without Jonathan. I bought a car without Jonathan. I have a garden without Jonathan. I'm taking care of Drake and Toby without Jonathan. I'm doing okay at work without Jonathan. I want love with Jonathan, but since I can't have that, I hope for love without Jonathan. I drive to AZ without Jonathan. I laugh and cry without Jonathan. I take photos with Jonathan's camera, without Jonathan.  I have done this all on my own (which seems weird to say, but even little things are hard). I have done so many, many things all on my own, but I fear that August 21st will be unbearable. Our 6th anniversary is August 21st. I want to do something special that day so that I can celebrate the day without sadness. I want to do something that will make me think of that new something every year on August 21st. I'm not sure what that something is. Maybe I will volunteer all day that day. Maybe I will go fishing. Maybe Drake and I will go camping. I'm not sure yet if I want to be alone that day or with my friends. I'm just not sure about August. Can we skip to September?