My dear friends Kim and Topher had their baby, Calvin, on January 18, 2011. My dear friends Natalie and David had their baby, Caleb, on January 18, 2011. My dear friends Anne and Zach will be having a baby boy soon. My dear friends Lindsi and Scott will be having a baby boy, Jacob Jonathan, any day now. My dear friend Brandie just told me she is 10 weeks pregnant. Jonathan's cousin, Jacob, just had a baby boy and named him Jonathan. I am happy, truly, truly happy for all of them. The hard part is knowing that Jonathan has not and will never meet these babies. I know he sees them- but he will never hold his best friend's baby. He will not get to experience how awesome of parents each of these couples will be.
Alissa and Ryan are getting married and Jonathan won't be there. Won't be in Ryan's wedding- where he should have been. He didn't hold Calvin on Sunday when John and I went to visit Kim and Toph. He didn't get to call and congratulate Kristian on their new pregnancy.
Brandie was in Colorado on Saturday night and I had dinner with her. While that was great, it was difficult. When I am around her, I think of Kristian and I immediately think of Jonathan. I miss the two of them so much. They have some of the biggest hearts I know.
I think back on the last year and there have been so many things that Jonthan was not a part of. While all of these trivial things have been hard, the birth of babies and witnessing your friends become parents, is difficult to experience without the person who was supposed to share in the joy with you. I've been a little emotional lately, but at the same time I'm still so happy and grateful for all the blessings I have been a part of over the last year. God bless my beautiful friends.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Unsure
I read that you are supposed to go through stages of grief. Anger, denial, etc. etc. Sometimes when I think I am doing so well, I revert to the disbelief stage- whatever that one is. I am in disbelief that I am alive on this earth and you are not. I continue to believe that you are out there somewhere- it's simply that you are not coming home. You are out there fishing, I know it.
Having been loved at the level that I was loved by Jonathan, it is going to be really, really difficult to find someone who I truly know loves me that much. A part of me wonders if that type of love comes with years of marriage, having a common goal, becoming best friends, and wanting to do anything you can to make the other person happy and smile and laugh. A part of that is being selfless and caring and having the utmost respect for the other person. Another part of that is loving someone so much you think about them before yourself. Jonathan loved me that much.
I still question who I am every day. It is 2011 and I rang in the New Year without you. I rang in the New Year with someone new. As stable as I like to think I am, a huge part of me still walks every day with an earthquake at my feet. I am in disbelief every day that you are gone. It is getting harder and harder to be in my house without a distraction. I am no longer content looking at your things, your clothes, your shoes, your photos... because it is a constant reminder that you are not here. It's getting harder and harder to remember what it was like when I walked in the front door after work and you stood there greeting me with a kiss. You had shoveled the snow, you had gotten dinner ready, you had taken Drake out, you had planned something, you asked me how my day was and you wanted to listen. When you did something, it was for me.
It was your 32nd birthday last Thursday. It crushes my heart. I have now experienced two birthdays without you. Kim, Toph, Ryan, Alissa, Natalie, Dave, Lesley, and Sean all came out for dinner on Friday, the 14th. We went to Cheesecake Factory. We said a little Happy Birthday to you. I absolutely still cannot believe you are not here. I find myself wondering what our life would be like right now. What Drake would be like- would he be marking in the basement, or is he just mad at me because I don't spend enough time with him? I would trade anything in this world just to have you back. I would live in a cardboard box on a street corner if it meant you were still on this earth.
I am dating someone, or maybe I should say I have a boyfriend. It was very difficult to say that word. It was difficult to allow someone into my life. It is still very difficult. It is hard showing a lot of emotion because I am terrified to get hurt. He doesn't express a lot of emotion in words, and it's hard to know if he's being cautious too or just doesn't have the same thoughts and feelings. It's probably difficult to date someone who has been married before- someone who understands and wants the kind of closeness that a marriage brings. We have only known each other for 4 months but I feel like I've known him a lot longer than that. I respect him for being able to handle my situation, ignore it, or whatever he has to do to deal with it and understand/accept it in his own way. He is many things, Jonathan that you are not, yet you were many things that he is not. Although I think about these differences, I am very grateful that he is not like you. Nobody could ever replace you and I don't want to try. He challenges me, he makes me happy, he makes me laugh and smile and that's all I could ask for right now. He seems to like Drake and Toby. He is trying to train Drake into the dog I 'forgot' to train for the past year...It's sweet because he knows how much Drake means to me. A huge part of having a boyfriend means that I am learning to let go. I am creating new memories with someone else. If you would have asked me a year earlier where I would be today, this is not what I would have ever, ever imagined. Although I am still unsure of who I am today, I'm a little bit closer to feeling like a normal part of society.
I went snowshoeing with Alissa a few weekends ago, and a friend of hers asked how Alissa and I knew each other, and proceeded to ask how I knew Ryan, etc. When I was caught off-guard, with nothing else to say, I just started to cry. Alissa had to finish for me and tell the story. I seem to do better when I am prepared. Sometimes these emotional situations catch me by surprise. I am still unsure of who I am without you, Jonathan, but I am getting closer to figuring it out.
Having been loved at the level that I was loved by Jonathan, it is going to be really, really difficult to find someone who I truly know loves me that much. A part of me wonders if that type of love comes with years of marriage, having a common goal, becoming best friends, and wanting to do anything you can to make the other person happy and smile and laugh. A part of that is being selfless and caring and having the utmost respect for the other person. Another part of that is loving someone so much you think about them before yourself. Jonathan loved me that much.
I still question who I am every day. It is 2011 and I rang in the New Year without you. I rang in the New Year with someone new. As stable as I like to think I am, a huge part of me still walks every day with an earthquake at my feet. I am in disbelief every day that you are gone. It is getting harder and harder to be in my house without a distraction. I am no longer content looking at your things, your clothes, your shoes, your photos... because it is a constant reminder that you are not here. It's getting harder and harder to remember what it was like when I walked in the front door after work and you stood there greeting me with a kiss. You had shoveled the snow, you had gotten dinner ready, you had taken Drake out, you had planned something, you asked me how my day was and you wanted to listen. When you did something, it was for me.
It was your 32nd birthday last Thursday. It crushes my heart. I have now experienced two birthdays without you. Kim, Toph, Ryan, Alissa, Natalie, Dave, Lesley, and Sean all came out for dinner on Friday, the 14th. We went to Cheesecake Factory. We said a little Happy Birthday to you. I absolutely still cannot believe you are not here. I find myself wondering what our life would be like right now. What Drake would be like- would he be marking in the basement, or is he just mad at me because I don't spend enough time with him? I would trade anything in this world just to have you back. I would live in a cardboard box on a street corner if it meant you were still on this earth.
I am dating someone, or maybe I should say I have a boyfriend. It was very difficult to say that word. It was difficult to allow someone into my life. It is still very difficult. It is hard showing a lot of emotion because I am terrified to get hurt. He doesn't express a lot of emotion in words, and it's hard to know if he's being cautious too or just doesn't have the same thoughts and feelings. It's probably difficult to date someone who has been married before- someone who understands and wants the kind of closeness that a marriage brings. We have only known each other for 4 months but I feel like I've known him a lot longer than that. I respect him for being able to handle my situation, ignore it, or whatever he has to do to deal with it and understand/accept it in his own way. He is many things, Jonathan that you are not, yet you were many things that he is not. Although I think about these differences, I am very grateful that he is not like you. Nobody could ever replace you and I don't want to try. He challenges me, he makes me happy, he makes me laugh and smile and that's all I could ask for right now. He seems to like Drake and Toby. He is trying to train Drake into the dog I 'forgot' to train for the past year...It's sweet because he knows how much Drake means to me. A huge part of having a boyfriend means that I am learning to let go. I am creating new memories with someone else. If you would have asked me a year earlier where I would be today, this is not what I would have ever, ever imagined. Although I am still unsure of who I am today, I'm a little bit closer to feeling like a normal part of society.
I went snowshoeing with Alissa a few weekends ago, and a friend of hers asked how Alissa and I knew each other, and proceeded to ask how I knew Ryan, etc. When I was caught off-guard, with nothing else to say, I just started to cry. Alissa had to finish for me and tell the story. I seem to do better when I am prepared. Sometimes these emotional situations catch me by surprise. I am still unsure of who I am without you, Jonathan, but I am getting closer to figuring it out.