It has almost been two years since I lost Jonathan. As the days go by, I continue to live and I continue to breathe. I am 30. I don't know what that means. All I know is that I have my home and my dog and my cat and my job. Those things keep me stable and they keep me going. I often find myself talking like Jonathan. It's those times that I really cry because it brings him back to me. I go day by day and while I think about him every single day, it's not as hard as it used to be. The times that I somehow start to talk like him, are the hardest. I talk to Drake like he used to. I talk to myself with words he used to use. While it's easy to forget those little things, they are so quick to just come back to me at random.
It's close to being two years. I still remember that hospital and almost every single situation like it was yesterday. This time of year is really difficult for me.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Ashes to Ashes
"Johnny is home." Jonathan's dad said it a couple of times after we scattered Jonathan's ashes in Trappers Lake. We scattered about 2/3 of his ashes there and will scatter the rest on the Blue River sometime this year before it snows. I felt some kind of bizarre closure after we scattered them, even though I know I will feel even more when they are all scattered. It's easy to forget what those ashes are. Those ashes used to be Jonathan's body. His sweet face and his bald head I used to run my hands over so many times. Those ashes were Jonathan, but I have to remember that it is just his body. His spirit is gone and with God. That is why it is easier to scatter his ashes. He is not there in those ashes. We prayed an Our Father and a Hail Mary. We said a few words. It was really, very beautiful and I couldn't have thought of a better place to be able to come back to and remember my sweet Jonathan.
I gave Nora Jonathan's clothes the other night. It felt good to let those go. I told Dave that while I thought about saving a shirt or something, what was I going to do with it? It would just sit in a box for years and years. I brought a ton of Jonathan's fishing stuff and fly tying stuff to the brothers when I went to Trappers. I know they will get good use out of it all. I was glad to see that also go somewhere where it would be used.
Draker came out on the boat with Anthony, Michael and I to say goodbye to Jonathan. I'm so glad he came with us. I just think to myself sometimes how two years ago, today, my sweet Jonathan and I were about to celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary. It would be 7 years this year. I just think about how two years ago today, I could have never fathomed that we would be out in that boat doing what we had to do. It is still all so unreal. All of it is so unbelievable. I think it will feel that way for the rest of my life.
I turned 30 this year. It's going to be hard to turn 31 because that will mean I have lived on this earth longer than Jonathan. He never got his 31st birthday. Again, unreal. I really don't know how I keep going some days. I don't know how I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I guess I have no other choice. You just keep going. Lately, my life has felt so uncertain and that part is so hard because I absolutely need certainty and stability. I'm stable on my own, but when you throw a boyfriend into the mix, you introduce that uncertainty again. It is tough.
It is tough to want to move forward with someone else but know that it is uncertain. To not know if we will end up married or apart. It is tough for the instability even though it's normal. I'm so lucky to still have my home, my job, and my dog. Maybe that is all the stability I need. Ashes to ashes my dear Jonathan. I miss you so much.
I gave Nora Jonathan's clothes the other night. It felt good to let those go. I told Dave that while I thought about saving a shirt or something, what was I going to do with it? It would just sit in a box for years and years. I brought a ton of Jonathan's fishing stuff and fly tying stuff to the brothers when I went to Trappers. I know they will get good use out of it all. I was glad to see that also go somewhere where it would be used.
Draker came out on the boat with Anthony, Michael and I to say goodbye to Jonathan. I'm so glad he came with us. I just think to myself sometimes how two years ago, today, my sweet Jonathan and I were about to celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary. It would be 7 years this year. I just think about how two years ago today, I could have never fathomed that we would be out in that boat doing what we had to do. It is still all so unreal. All of it is so unbelievable. I think it will feel that way for the rest of my life.
I turned 30 this year. It's going to be hard to turn 31 because that will mean I have lived on this earth longer than Jonathan. He never got his 31st birthday. Again, unreal. I really don't know how I keep going some days. I don't know how I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I guess I have no other choice. You just keep going. Lately, my life has felt so uncertain and that part is so hard because I absolutely need certainty and stability. I'm stable on my own, but when you throw a boyfriend into the mix, you introduce that uncertainty again. It is tough.
It is tough to want to move forward with someone else but know that it is uncertain. To not know if we will end up married or apart. It is tough for the instability even though it's normal. I'm so lucky to still have my home, my job, and my dog. Maybe that is all the stability I need. Ashes to ashes my dear Jonathan. I miss you so much.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Jonathan's things are still in the house but I have gotten used to them being there without him being here. I have put some stuff in containers. Today is one of those days I am missing him more than others. I put on my engagement ring for some reason today. I guess I just wanted to see it sitting there with my wedding ring and his wedding ring. As much as I am okay on my own, I definitely love the companionship of my boyfriend John. The last 8 months have been nothing less than great. He is such a blessing to me. It is hard to believe that it will be 2 years in November since losing Jonathan. It makes me realize how much can change in such a short time.
Some of my friends have asked the question whether in the depths of my pain, would I have ever thought I would be where I am today. Absolutely not. I was going to be a nun. I was never going to marry again. I could never envision living in this house all alone. I did not know at the time that life could possibly continue and if it could, that I could ever be happy again. The healing process astounds me.
I planted my garden last weekend. I feel so blessed to be able to continue to do these things. I can't wait for what the next few years will bring.
Some of my friends have asked the question whether in the depths of my pain, would I have ever thought I would be where I am today. Absolutely not. I was going to be a nun. I was never going to marry again. I could never envision living in this house all alone. I did not know at the time that life could possibly continue and if it could, that I could ever be happy again. The healing process astounds me.
I planted my garden last weekend. I feel so blessed to be able to continue to do these things. I can't wait for what the next few years will bring.
Friday, May 6, 2011
So Far From Where I Have Been
I haven't written in two months. I've always known that I write more when I am going through pain. I need to express how I am feeling and I never want to burden other people with my thoughts. Even though I still burden my friends... I guess not having written in two months is a testament to how I am feeling.
I watched Jonathan's fishing video that he did with Ryan years back. I watched it for the first time since the memorial service. I watched it with John and that was nice. I didn't cry but it was definitely quick to bring Jonathan back to me. Over time, it's not that you forget who Jonathan was, it's just that you don't think about it as often. I was reminded of his calm demeanor. I was reminded of all the beautiful things about him. I was reminded of his sense of humor. I was reminded of his interactions with his best friends. It all made me smile. I still miss him every day but it's tolerable now. There's a new normal. I still hate my house without him. I don't think that will ever go away. So many memories here that it's still hard to be here. I'm getting ready to mow the lawn and I just think about the fact that the only reason I know how to mow the lawn is because of him. The garden will be the same way.
I think I would like to scatter his ashes. I think I need to say goodbye. A part of me really just wants it to be a very small group, but I know the family would all want to be there. I'm not sure how I have come to the realization that I can part with his ashes but I feel like it needs to be done. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. To go back and be part of the earth. Jonathan would want whatever I would want, but the truth is, he would want to be in a river and not in a box. Maybe we will do something in August.
I'm having a great time with John. We seem to get along pretty well. John's nephew, Zachary, was baptized this past weekend. I went to Connecticut with John for that. I first went to Boston, then Rhode Island, then Connecticut. New England was exactly what I thought it would be. It's beautiful. When I came back, my friends all said I am not allowed to move there. Not my plan at this point. I'm just having such a good time. Definitely deserved after what I went through.
I watched Jonathan's fishing video that he did with Ryan years back. I watched it for the first time since the memorial service. I watched it with John and that was nice. I didn't cry but it was definitely quick to bring Jonathan back to me. Over time, it's not that you forget who Jonathan was, it's just that you don't think about it as often. I was reminded of his calm demeanor. I was reminded of all the beautiful things about him. I was reminded of his sense of humor. I was reminded of his interactions with his best friends. It all made me smile. I still miss him every day but it's tolerable now. There's a new normal. I still hate my house without him. I don't think that will ever go away. So many memories here that it's still hard to be here. I'm getting ready to mow the lawn and I just think about the fact that the only reason I know how to mow the lawn is because of him. The garden will be the same way.
I think I would like to scatter his ashes. I think I need to say goodbye. A part of me really just wants it to be a very small group, but I know the family would all want to be there. I'm not sure how I have come to the realization that I can part with his ashes but I feel like it needs to be done. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. To go back and be part of the earth. Jonathan would want whatever I would want, but the truth is, he would want to be in a river and not in a box. Maybe we will do something in August.
I'm having a great time with John. We seem to get along pretty well. John's nephew, Zachary, was baptized this past weekend. I went to Connecticut with John for that. I first went to Boston, then Rhode Island, then Connecticut. New England was exactly what I thought it would be. It's beautiful. When I came back, my friends all said I am not allowed to move there. Not my plan at this point. I'm just having such a good time. Definitely deserved after what I went through.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
It's okay to be who I am...it doesn't mean I don't miss you.
I feel a lot of things these days. I feel love, most of all. My boyfriend's name is John, which was a bit unusual to me at first, but not any more. He is John, and Jonathan is Jonathan, and that is that. I actually think it's nice that John is not like Jonathan. There are definitely qualities and characteristics that are similar (things I would always want a man to have), but there are many qualities and characteristics that are completely different. With unique personalities, I don't seem to compare John to Jonathan, and the best part is that I love them each for who they are...
I realized over the last month that I am afraid to express my feelings. I have told John this, but I often feel like I can't just be the way I would normally be in a relationship. I don't always feel like I can be myself. Out of respect for Jonathan and out of respect for all of my family, a part of me actually feels ashamed to be in love. I don't want to feel that. I feel like falling in love will make family think that I don't still love Jonathan, that I don't care about him anymore. I feel like falling in love will make everyone think that I have moved on. Well, I guess I have, in a way. It's hard to explain unless you are living this. Even though most of the family knows about John, I am not sure they all know how much I love him. When I am in love, I like to talk about it and to feel like I can express myself. This time, I feel suppressed and it's all my own doing. My own psychological thing. I know that family only wants me to be happy, but I seem to believe that if I tell people I am happy, they will think I didn't love Jonathan. They would think...how could I possibly be in love and ready to move on after only 13 months? Is that a long time or is that a short time? Whatever it is, it's the right time for me...I feel happy and good about where I am.
Moving on doesn't mean I stopped loving and missing Jonathan. Not for one second. Moving on doesn't mean that I am 'settling' for someone to fill the void. Moving on doesn't mean I have forgotten him, or will ever forget him. I can still hear his laugh and see his smile. I still remember what his hugs felt like, his breathing, his being, his everything.
Meeting John, I have to somewhat put that aside. As tolerant and willing as he is to listen and allow me to tell stories about Jonathan, I'm sure it's hard for him. Not coming from a situation like mine, I wonder if he equates it to breaking up with someone. I feel it acceptable to talk about Jonathan anytime I want because Jonathan is not here anymore. We didn't break up. We were husband and wife, married, and in love. Maybe it's not okay to talk about Jonathan anytime I want. I have to put myself in John's shoes, if the roles were reversed. I am a pretty understanding and tolerant person, but if I had never been through a tragedy like this, I am not sure I could really reason that it was okay for John to talk about his late wife all the time. Yet, John has never said one word about it. I feel so blessed for his understanding and his patience. At the same time, I often tell stories because Jonathan was my life for the past 8 years. My stories include him- are all about him. It's difficult to talk about who you are without including stories of the person who helped shape the last 8 years of your life.
Probably the weirdest part of all of this is that I want John to know who Jonathan was. I have always been best friends with the people I have dated. To share with John who Jonathan was, means so much to me. It's then, almost, that he knows him a little bit. Is that weird? I have so many emotions going through me that while I write all of this, I wonder how it all must seem to John. When John comes over, I never feel like myself. I actually don't fully like hanging out in my house with him. Sometimes I can't shake the memories of Jonathan and I in this house. John might say, oh, I like this and I say, yeah, Jonathan picked that out, or Jonathan really wanted this. John asks where a screwdriver is. It's in the messy pile of tools in the garage, that I have to explain. My house isn't my house because it's full of things that Jonathan and I created together. I never feel like my own person. When I'm at John's house, I'm more relaxed and I'm happier. Admitting these things is not easy because it doesn't mean, for one second, that I don't love or miss Jonathan. It just means I'm ready to be happy with someone else.
What it means is that I'm tired of being sad. I am in love with John, I'm happy, and I'm ready to move on. At the same time, I feel stuck in this house full of memories that seem to hold me back. At the same time, I'm not so sure I can just let them go that easily. Feeling what I am feeling and being in love is hard to admit- not to myself, but to family and friends. As much as I know they want me to be happy, I would never want them to think I will ever forget Jonathan or ever stop loving and missing him. The most amazing part of this is that I have experienced the fact that you can hold love for someone you have lost, but there's still a full heart to love someone else the way I loved Jonathan.
I realized over the last month that I am afraid to express my feelings. I have told John this, but I often feel like I can't just be the way I would normally be in a relationship. I don't always feel like I can be myself. Out of respect for Jonathan and out of respect for all of my family, a part of me actually feels ashamed to be in love. I don't want to feel that. I feel like falling in love will make family think that I don't still love Jonathan, that I don't care about him anymore. I feel like falling in love will make everyone think that I have moved on. Well, I guess I have, in a way. It's hard to explain unless you are living this. Even though most of the family knows about John, I am not sure they all know how much I love him. When I am in love, I like to talk about it and to feel like I can express myself. This time, I feel suppressed and it's all my own doing. My own psychological thing. I know that family only wants me to be happy, but I seem to believe that if I tell people I am happy, they will think I didn't love Jonathan. They would think...how could I possibly be in love and ready to move on after only 13 months? Is that a long time or is that a short time? Whatever it is, it's the right time for me...I feel happy and good about where I am.
Moving on doesn't mean I stopped loving and missing Jonathan. Not for one second. Moving on doesn't mean that I am 'settling' for someone to fill the void. Moving on doesn't mean I have forgotten him, or will ever forget him. I can still hear his laugh and see his smile. I still remember what his hugs felt like, his breathing, his being, his everything.
Meeting John, I have to somewhat put that aside. As tolerant and willing as he is to listen and allow me to tell stories about Jonathan, I'm sure it's hard for him. Not coming from a situation like mine, I wonder if he equates it to breaking up with someone. I feel it acceptable to talk about Jonathan anytime I want because Jonathan is not here anymore. We didn't break up. We were husband and wife, married, and in love. Maybe it's not okay to talk about Jonathan anytime I want. I have to put myself in John's shoes, if the roles were reversed. I am a pretty understanding and tolerant person, but if I had never been through a tragedy like this, I am not sure I could really reason that it was okay for John to talk about his late wife all the time. Yet, John has never said one word about it. I feel so blessed for his understanding and his patience. At the same time, I often tell stories because Jonathan was my life for the past 8 years. My stories include him- are all about him. It's difficult to talk about who you are without including stories of the person who helped shape the last 8 years of your life.
Probably the weirdest part of all of this is that I want John to know who Jonathan was. I have always been best friends with the people I have dated. To share with John who Jonathan was, means so much to me. It's then, almost, that he knows him a little bit. Is that weird? I have so many emotions going through me that while I write all of this, I wonder how it all must seem to John. When John comes over, I never feel like myself. I actually don't fully like hanging out in my house with him. Sometimes I can't shake the memories of Jonathan and I in this house. John might say, oh, I like this and I say, yeah, Jonathan picked that out, or Jonathan really wanted this. John asks where a screwdriver is. It's in the messy pile of tools in the garage, that I have to explain. My house isn't my house because it's full of things that Jonathan and I created together. I never feel like my own person. When I'm at John's house, I'm more relaxed and I'm happier. Admitting these things is not easy because it doesn't mean, for one second, that I don't love or miss Jonathan. It just means I'm ready to be happy with someone else.
What it means is that I'm tired of being sad. I am in love with John, I'm happy, and I'm ready to move on. At the same time, I feel stuck in this house full of memories that seem to hold me back. At the same time, I'm not so sure I can just let them go that easily. Feeling what I am feeling and being in love is hard to admit- not to myself, but to family and friends. As much as I know they want me to be happy, I would never want them to think I will ever forget Jonathan or ever stop loving and missing him. The most amazing part of this is that I have experienced the fact that you can hold love for someone you have lost, but there's still a full heart to love someone else the way I loved Jonathan.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
It's ok to miss you...terribly
I haven't written in awhile. Mostly, I'm afraid of confronting my feelings at this point. I like to write to get out whatever I need to get out. I think about Jonathan every day. I still lose my breath. It is hard to believe it has been over a year. I am excited about the future, but sad at the same time. As I change, grow, and move forward, I get further and further from my life with Jonathan. There are so many things I do that I do because of him...and I think about it every time I do one of those things.
Going into the garage makes my heart sink. It is so hard to be in there. I don't open Jonathan's side of the bedroom closet. I don't go in the fly tying room. I still look out the front window at times and expect his truck to be parked out front. My neighbor shovels my front walk, driveway and sidewalk when it snows and it's because he loved Jonathan and knows Jonathan would want him to take care of me. I am so loved...because of Jonathan. I still hear his voice and remember what it felt like to hug him. A huge part of me knows that I am as far along as I am because Jonathan is pushing me. I know he is- whether in his spirit, or my own spirit- knowing that this is what he wants for me. I still cry. It's getting less and less...and less severe, but when I do, I sob and I miss him so much.
Jonathan was the kind of man that everyone would want as a friend. He would bend over backward for anyone and everyone. He had the sweetest soul and the most genuine heart. He stressed about upsetting people. He would drop everything to help if you needed him. He was funny- and made me laugh so much. There is nobody like him and I am so lucky to have been his wife and to have known him as long as I did.
Lately, I have been thinking so much about death and how we all are going to be there some day. I guess that is what gets me through. Jonathan only had 30 and a half years of life on this Earth, and I never know how many years I will have, but I will be gone someday too. It's such a weird thought, but comforting at the same time- that someday I will be where Jonathan is. It's only a matter of Earthly time.
It's weird. I think he's reaching out to us this week. A lot of people have been contacting me just to tell me they love me and are thinking about me. I am having one of those days today and it is amazing that it coincides with my friends offering an extra amount of support- like they knew I needed it. I miss my life with Jonathan so very much. I miss coming home to Jonathan- coming home to the most caring and loving husband. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
Going into the garage makes my heart sink. It is so hard to be in there. I don't open Jonathan's side of the bedroom closet. I don't go in the fly tying room. I still look out the front window at times and expect his truck to be parked out front. My neighbor shovels my front walk, driveway and sidewalk when it snows and it's because he loved Jonathan and knows Jonathan would want him to take care of me. I am so loved...because of Jonathan. I still hear his voice and remember what it felt like to hug him. A huge part of me knows that I am as far along as I am because Jonathan is pushing me. I know he is- whether in his spirit, or my own spirit- knowing that this is what he wants for me. I still cry. It's getting less and less...and less severe, but when I do, I sob and I miss him so much.
Jonathan was the kind of man that everyone would want as a friend. He would bend over backward for anyone and everyone. He had the sweetest soul and the most genuine heart. He stressed about upsetting people. He would drop everything to help if you needed him. He was funny- and made me laugh so much. There is nobody like him and I am so lucky to have been his wife and to have known him as long as I did.
Lately, I have been thinking so much about death and how we all are going to be there some day. I guess that is what gets me through. Jonathan only had 30 and a half years of life on this Earth, and I never know how many years I will have, but I will be gone someday too. It's such a weird thought, but comforting at the same time- that someday I will be where Jonathan is. It's only a matter of Earthly time.
It's weird. I think he's reaching out to us this week. A lot of people have been contacting me just to tell me they love me and are thinking about me. I am having one of those days today and it is amazing that it coincides with my friends offering an extra amount of support- like they knew I needed it. I miss my life with Jonathan so very much. I miss coming home to Jonathan- coming home to the most caring and loving husband. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
Monday, January 24, 2011
A lot of things... all at once
My dear friends Kim and Topher had their baby, Calvin, on January 18, 2011. My dear friends Natalie and David had their baby, Caleb, on January 18, 2011. My dear friends Anne and Zach will be having a baby boy soon. My dear friends Lindsi and Scott will be having a baby boy, Jacob Jonathan, any day now. My dear friend Brandie just told me she is 10 weeks pregnant. Jonathan's cousin, Jacob, just had a baby boy and named him Jonathan. I am happy, truly, truly happy for all of them. The hard part is knowing that Jonathan has not and will never meet these babies. I know he sees them- but he will never hold his best friend's baby. He will not get to experience how awesome of parents each of these couples will be.
Alissa and Ryan are getting married and Jonathan won't be there. Won't be in Ryan's wedding- where he should have been. He didn't hold Calvin on Sunday when John and I went to visit Kim and Toph. He didn't get to call and congratulate Kristian on their new pregnancy.
Brandie was in Colorado on Saturday night and I had dinner with her. While that was great, it was difficult. When I am around her, I think of Kristian and I immediately think of Jonathan. I miss the two of them so much. They have some of the biggest hearts I know.
I think back on the last year and there have been so many things that Jonthan was not a part of. While all of these trivial things have been hard, the birth of babies and witnessing your friends become parents, is difficult to experience without the person who was supposed to share in the joy with you. I've been a little emotional lately, but at the same time I'm still so happy and grateful for all the blessings I have been a part of over the last year. God bless my beautiful friends.
Alissa and Ryan are getting married and Jonathan won't be there. Won't be in Ryan's wedding- where he should have been. He didn't hold Calvin on Sunday when John and I went to visit Kim and Toph. He didn't get to call and congratulate Kristian on their new pregnancy.
Brandie was in Colorado on Saturday night and I had dinner with her. While that was great, it was difficult. When I am around her, I think of Kristian and I immediately think of Jonathan. I miss the two of them so much. They have some of the biggest hearts I know.
I think back on the last year and there have been so many things that Jonthan was not a part of. While all of these trivial things have been hard, the birth of babies and witnessing your friends become parents, is difficult to experience without the person who was supposed to share in the joy with you. I've been a little emotional lately, but at the same time I'm still so happy and grateful for all the blessings I have been a part of over the last year. God bless my beautiful friends.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Unsure
I read that you are supposed to go through stages of grief. Anger, denial, etc. etc. Sometimes when I think I am doing so well, I revert to the disbelief stage- whatever that one is. I am in disbelief that I am alive on this earth and you are not. I continue to believe that you are out there somewhere- it's simply that you are not coming home. You are out there fishing, I know it.
Having been loved at the level that I was loved by Jonathan, it is going to be really, really difficult to find someone who I truly know loves me that much. A part of me wonders if that type of love comes with years of marriage, having a common goal, becoming best friends, and wanting to do anything you can to make the other person happy and smile and laugh. A part of that is being selfless and caring and having the utmost respect for the other person. Another part of that is loving someone so much you think about them before yourself. Jonathan loved me that much.
I still question who I am every day. It is 2011 and I rang in the New Year without you. I rang in the New Year with someone new. As stable as I like to think I am, a huge part of me still walks every day with an earthquake at my feet. I am in disbelief every day that you are gone. It is getting harder and harder to be in my house without a distraction. I am no longer content looking at your things, your clothes, your shoes, your photos... because it is a constant reminder that you are not here. It's getting harder and harder to remember what it was like when I walked in the front door after work and you stood there greeting me with a kiss. You had shoveled the snow, you had gotten dinner ready, you had taken Drake out, you had planned something, you asked me how my day was and you wanted to listen. When you did something, it was for me.
It was your 32nd birthday last Thursday. It crushes my heart. I have now experienced two birthdays without you. Kim, Toph, Ryan, Alissa, Natalie, Dave, Lesley, and Sean all came out for dinner on Friday, the 14th. We went to Cheesecake Factory. We said a little Happy Birthday to you. I absolutely still cannot believe you are not here. I find myself wondering what our life would be like right now. What Drake would be like- would he be marking in the basement, or is he just mad at me because I don't spend enough time with him? I would trade anything in this world just to have you back. I would live in a cardboard box on a street corner if it meant you were still on this earth.
I am dating someone, or maybe I should say I have a boyfriend. It was very difficult to say that word. It was difficult to allow someone into my life. It is still very difficult. It is hard showing a lot of emotion because I am terrified to get hurt. He doesn't express a lot of emotion in words, and it's hard to know if he's being cautious too or just doesn't have the same thoughts and feelings. It's probably difficult to date someone who has been married before- someone who understands and wants the kind of closeness that a marriage brings. We have only known each other for 4 months but I feel like I've known him a lot longer than that. I respect him for being able to handle my situation, ignore it, or whatever he has to do to deal with it and understand/accept it in his own way. He is many things, Jonathan that you are not, yet you were many things that he is not. Although I think about these differences, I am very grateful that he is not like you. Nobody could ever replace you and I don't want to try. He challenges me, he makes me happy, he makes me laugh and smile and that's all I could ask for right now. He seems to like Drake and Toby. He is trying to train Drake into the dog I 'forgot' to train for the past year...It's sweet because he knows how much Drake means to me. A huge part of having a boyfriend means that I am learning to let go. I am creating new memories with someone else. If you would have asked me a year earlier where I would be today, this is not what I would have ever, ever imagined. Although I am still unsure of who I am today, I'm a little bit closer to feeling like a normal part of society.
I went snowshoeing with Alissa a few weekends ago, and a friend of hers asked how Alissa and I knew each other, and proceeded to ask how I knew Ryan, etc. When I was caught off-guard, with nothing else to say, I just started to cry. Alissa had to finish for me and tell the story. I seem to do better when I am prepared. Sometimes these emotional situations catch me by surprise. I am still unsure of who I am without you, Jonathan, but I am getting closer to figuring it out.
Having been loved at the level that I was loved by Jonathan, it is going to be really, really difficult to find someone who I truly know loves me that much. A part of me wonders if that type of love comes with years of marriage, having a common goal, becoming best friends, and wanting to do anything you can to make the other person happy and smile and laugh. A part of that is being selfless and caring and having the utmost respect for the other person. Another part of that is loving someone so much you think about them before yourself. Jonathan loved me that much.
I still question who I am every day. It is 2011 and I rang in the New Year without you. I rang in the New Year with someone new. As stable as I like to think I am, a huge part of me still walks every day with an earthquake at my feet. I am in disbelief every day that you are gone. It is getting harder and harder to be in my house without a distraction. I am no longer content looking at your things, your clothes, your shoes, your photos... because it is a constant reminder that you are not here. It's getting harder and harder to remember what it was like when I walked in the front door after work and you stood there greeting me with a kiss. You had shoveled the snow, you had gotten dinner ready, you had taken Drake out, you had planned something, you asked me how my day was and you wanted to listen. When you did something, it was for me.
It was your 32nd birthday last Thursday. It crushes my heart. I have now experienced two birthdays without you. Kim, Toph, Ryan, Alissa, Natalie, Dave, Lesley, and Sean all came out for dinner on Friday, the 14th. We went to Cheesecake Factory. We said a little Happy Birthday to you. I absolutely still cannot believe you are not here. I find myself wondering what our life would be like right now. What Drake would be like- would he be marking in the basement, or is he just mad at me because I don't spend enough time with him? I would trade anything in this world just to have you back. I would live in a cardboard box on a street corner if it meant you were still on this earth.
I am dating someone, or maybe I should say I have a boyfriend. It was very difficult to say that word. It was difficult to allow someone into my life. It is still very difficult. It is hard showing a lot of emotion because I am terrified to get hurt. He doesn't express a lot of emotion in words, and it's hard to know if he's being cautious too or just doesn't have the same thoughts and feelings. It's probably difficult to date someone who has been married before- someone who understands and wants the kind of closeness that a marriage brings. We have only known each other for 4 months but I feel like I've known him a lot longer than that. I respect him for being able to handle my situation, ignore it, or whatever he has to do to deal with it and understand/accept it in his own way. He is many things, Jonathan that you are not, yet you were many things that he is not. Although I think about these differences, I am very grateful that he is not like you. Nobody could ever replace you and I don't want to try. He challenges me, he makes me happy, he makes me laugh and smile and that's all I could ask for right now. He seems to like Drake and Toby. He is trying to train Drake into the dog I 'forgot' to train for the past year...It's sweet because he knows how much Drake means to me. A huge part of having a boyfriend means that I am learning to let go. I am creating new memories with someone else. If you would have asked me a year earlier where I would be today, this is not what I would have ever, ever imagined. Although I am still unsure of who I am today, I'm a little bit closer to feeling like a normal part of society.
I went snowshoeing with Alissa a few weekends ago, and a friend of hers asked how Alissa and I knew each other, and proceeded to ask how I knew Ryan, etc. When I was caught off-guard, with nothing else to say, I just started to cry. Alissa had to finish for me and tell the story. I seem to do better when I am prepared. Sometimes these emotional situations catch me by surprise. I am still unsure of who I am without you, Jonathan, but I am getting closer to figuring it out.