Winter

November 24th was four days ago. I got through it. Tuesday, the 23rd was actually harder on me than the 24th. I think it's the day. The day of the accident, not the date of the accident. Four days later, I am ok. I woke up today and had one of those moments when I realized I am alone. The trees and the sky and the weather have all been triggers of this. The leaves on the ground and the cold in the air all bring the vividness of that night flooding back to me.  It was unusually warm for a November night. I had my green, collared shirt on and my red jacket. It's not heavy... Jonathan wasn't wearing a coat. He had on his black and blue plaid long-sleeved shirt. The sleeves were rolled up a little ways. He had on green corduroy pants and chacos.  Jonathan could wear his chacos year round, but it was still an indication of how warm it was.  The only thing I got back were his chacos; they had to cut his clothes off of him. Probably for the better. I don't want those clothes.

I have kept myself so busy over the months that rarely do I have these sick to my stomach moments anymore. Rarely does the reality of Jonathan's absence hit below the belt. It's usually a slap across the face, but not something that stops me from moving.  Today it did.  I stopped for a moment or two and allowed memories to flood me.  I moved a lot slower doing things around the house.  Casually taking a moment or two to look out the kitchen window and see the frozen garden.  Looking at Jonathan's ashes and still wondering if I should scatter them in the river or leave them. Still wondering...  Still not able to believe that is his body.  Memories flood me, but I keep moving.  They say that some day I will smile when I think of these memories... they won't be filled with pain.  Hoping that happens soon.

A year later, I am realizing that many people around me do not realize the extent of what I have been through, and continue to go through, nor do I expect them to.  That I may seem okay on the outside, but they don't know how much pain still exists inside.  There's no other pain like this. My past is so precious to me but I know I must live in the present and look forward to the future.