One year ago today

One year ago
today
You were taken off life support
A little bit after 7am
I'm not sure if I slept the night before
I'm not sure if I slept the whole time you were there
I hugged you- as best I could
I kissed you one last time on the lips
and the cheek
and the forehead
I felt your body
I leaned in to your breath
I touched your warm hand
I told you how much I love you
that I would love you forever
and ever
and ever
and ever
It's almost a blessing to not have been fully aware
of what was happening
to you or
to me
I could not have handled it
Looking back
I have no idea how I handled it
How I could have even turned around
and walked away from the hospital bed
as they wheeled you in to take your organs.
One year ago today
You passed from this life
I told you I would see you again
and you better be there to greet me when I go
I told you how sad I was
I told you I would take care of our animals
I told you how much I was going to miss you
How this was unfair
and I told you that you better watch over me
I told you over and over how much I love you
how I could not believe this was happening
how I would try to be as strong as I could be
and I told you again how much I love you.
Then, they took you away
and my life changed forever
and I miss you still
and I love you still
and I'm still not sure how to live without you.
But I'm trying...for you, because that's what you would want.
One year ago today
I left that hospital with half of a heart
and you left
One year ago today.

I may have...to be more present

"Life is fortified by many friendships. To love, and to be loved, is the greatest happiness of existence." Sydney Smith

I had a not-so-good day yesterday, but I'm having a decent day today. I have lost touch with things that make me happy. Painting. Running with Drake. Cooking. Writing. Listening to music. Laughing. Dancing. Sharing in my friend's joys. Reading. Traveling. Hiking.

I played Wii for the first time on Thanksgiving. It was a lot of fun, but it made me realize (based on how bad I was at it), that I have truly missed a year of my life by not really being there. How is that really the first time I played Wii? Jonathan and I were talking about getting one last year around this time.

I may have seemed okay. I may have smiled. I may have listened. I may have hugged you. I may have let you hug me. I may have laughed. I may have talked about the future. I may have been positive. I may have gone to a birthday party or a concert. I may have sympathized with you. I may have gone to work every day. I may have stared at the stars and been hopeful. I may have had one too many beers. I may have enjoyed your company. I may have enjoyed your wedding. I may have gone to mass. I may have kept up with the garden. I may have been to quail camp and driven to AZ for the 4th of July. I may have met a lot of beautiful, new people and new friends. I may have gone hiking. I may have watched a billion football games. I may have cried with you. I may have talked your ear off. I may have been happy for you. I may have wanted to open up to you.

Sometimes I have listened, but I'm not really listening. Sometimes I have wanted to understand what you are saying but I have not understood. Sometimes I have wanted to tell you more. How I really feel. I wanted to tell you that even though I am smiling, I am not always smiling. Sometimes I have wanted to let down my guard, but I can't. Not yet... but I'm trying. I never thought I would be so reserved, so careful. So scared. I have always been open and honest and loving. I have always been able to talk about everything. I jump into everything with an open heart and mind. Not this time...and I hate that. Sometimes I don't ask questions even though I am really eager to know more. Sometimes I don't act excited or happy when I really am! I can't explain ANY of my actions but I am going to try with everything I have to be the girl I used to be. It's only fair.

From today forward, I am going to be more PRESENT in life. A gift I think I only feel from time to time. When you talk I will be listening and I will be present. I will give you my heart and my whole self. I will tell you my thoughts and feelings instead of shutting down and asking you about yours just to change the subject. I will live in the moment and be the girl I was one year ago. I know her and I miss her. I think I can become that girl if I take ownership of my life. As painful as it is, I can give some of your stuff away. You aren't here and you won't need it. I don't need it. They are just 'things' that I need to learn to let go of. When I can start to do this, I think that girl I used to know will come back. Maybe it's okay that I'm still attached to Jonathan's things, but at the same time, it is grabbing me by the hoodie of my sweatshirt as I am trying to run...

Winter

November 24th was four days ago. I got through it. Tuesday, the 23rd was actually harder on me than the 24th. I think it's the day. The day of the accident, not the date of the accident. Four days later, I am ok. I woke up today and had one of those moments when I realized I am alone. The trees and the sky and the weather have all been triggers of this. The leaves on the ground and the cold in the air all bring the vividness of that night flooding back to me.  It was unusually warm for a November night. I had my green, collared shirt on and my red jacket. It's not heavy... Jonathan wasn't wearing a coat. He had on his black and blue plaid long-sleeved shirt. The sleeves were rolled up a little ways. He had on green corduroy pants and chacos.  Jonathan could wear his chacos year round, but it was still an indication of how warm it was.  The only thing I got back were his chacos; they had to cut his clothes off of him. Probably for the better. I don't want those clothes.

I have kept myself so busy over the months that rarely do I have these sick to my stomach moments anymore. Rarely does the reality of Jonathan's absence hit below the belt. It's usually a slap across the face, but not something that stops me from moving.  Today it did.  I stopped for a moment or two and allowed memories to flood me.  I moved a lot slower doing things around the house.  Casually taking a moment or two to look out the kitchen window and see the frozen garden.  Looking at Jonathan's ashes and still wondering if I should scatter them in the river or leave them. Still wondering...  Still not able to believe that is his body.  Memories flood me, but I keep moving.  They say that some day I will smile when I think of these memories... they won't be filled with pain.  Hoping that happens soon.

A year later, I am realizing that many people around me do not realize the extent of what I have been through, and continue to go through, nor do I expect them to.  That I may seem okay on the outside, but they don't know how much pain still exists inside.  There's no other pain like this. My past is so precious to me but I know I must live in the present and look forward to the future.

What it really means

It is November 19th. I just got home from an evening at the boss' house. I remember last year when Jonathan came. I played foosball, Jonathan and Kaufman talked about fishing that next Friday together.  My boss told Jonathan how much they thought of me at work.  That next Tuesday is when the accident happened. 

I didn't have Thanksgiving last year.  I had it in the hospital cafeteria. How I managed to put anything in my mouth, I don't know. I remember eating a lot of juicy pears that John and Judy brought from Grand Junction.  I am having vivid memories and dreams about being in the hospital. I remember the smell and how I started to smell like it after a few days. I remember the braces around Jonathan's legs to help keep the circulation going. I remember his feet being cold. They were never cold. That's how I knew how bad it was- before I was told.  I remember sleeping on two, hard, plastic chairs in the waiting room. I remember sleeping anywhere I could and not sleeping at all. I remember wearing that hospital gown. I remember holding his hand while he lay in that bed day after day. I remember how we brought in photos of him and put them up around his room. I remember a night where we all prayed in a circle around his bed. I remember my brother found some Rush songs on his iPhone that we played for him. YYZ was one of them. I remember when there were a lot of people in the room, Jonathan's heart rate would go up. I remember that stupid breathing tube and watching the stupid machines that scared the crap out me. His oxygen level would drop, he couldn't regulate his own body temperature. He would have a fever one minute and be freezing the next. When he wasn't getting oxygen, the machine would make an awful sound that I will never get out of my head.

I would squeeze his hand and hope to God that he would squeeze it back. He never did. I talked to him- non-stop. I know he could hear me. I sang to him. We kept a washcloth over his eyes because they wouldn't stay closed and they would get dried out. The nurses had to put drops in them from time to time.

The worst part is that he Looked fine. He had hardly any cuts, scrapes... nothing.  The nurses would fix or change his breathing tube and it would make him cough. He would sit up and cough just like he did.  He had the same facial features when he coughed. I could have sworn he would just open his eyes after he coughed because it was so real.  He looked like he was in pain. Like he wanted to just say 'help me. I'm here and I don't know what to do.' He twitched a lot. He rotated his arms and legs inward which, the nurses say is just a reflex and not purposeful movement. They checked his reflexes often, but it gave no indication that his brain was functioning.  Hi MRI scan looked bad. The neurologist was as nice as he could possibly be. I learned some things about the brain and then I stopped listening. 

I was able to come home a few times during the week. I felt like there had to be something I could do. Jonathan knew how much I researched everything. He would be disappointed if I didn't research this and try to come up with options... with solutions. After absolute exhaustion and lack of food, I wasn't able to read very clearly. I couldn't concentrate very well on what I was reading. I didn't understand half of it. But, I wanted to do everything I could. I wanted to challenge the doctors and tell them they were giving up. That miracles happen every single day. Why can't Jonathan be a miracle? Couldn't brain cells regenerate? When they told me they can't, I didn't believe it.

What I did believe is that even if Jonathan started to get a little bit better, even if he could open his eyes, his brain wouldn't work. He would have been like Teri Schaivo.  Would Jonathan want that or would he want to be let go? I wanted to take care of him. I wanted to have him in my home. I was not giving up.  Something happened one day in that hospital. As I was talking to Jonathan. As I was praying... All I kept thinking is that Jonathan could never fish again. He would be in a bed for the rest of his life. Whether or not he could move was one thing, but his brain wouldn't even work. I started to think less about what I wanted (him here with me) and more about what he would have chosen.  It's a beautiful thing to be able to know your husband as well as you know yourself.  To know what he would say and do and think...being so young, you don't talk about things like this. 

As Thanksgiving approaches, I am going to try to think less about the pain and the situation. I am going to give thanks that I had such an amazing and beautiful husband and give thanks that I am alive to witness the things that he is missing.  I am going to give thanks for my family and friends and for the immense support I received. I am going to give thanks that I have grieved in a healthy way... that I have grieved enough to move forward.  I am going to give thanks that I still feel the same love I always have for Jonathan, but know that my heart can continue to love even more. 

Thanksgiving will never be the same.  While I have a lot to feel sorrow for, I still have a lot to be thankful for. Thank you to God for the strength you have given me, the love in my heart, and the ability to keep going in happiness.

I went to the boss' house by myself tonight.  I don't know where Jonathan was. I invited him. 

Missing me

I found a website tonight that I had not seen.

http://www.drakemag.com/messageboard/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=13929

This picture made me cry... a lot. It's his tan face, his jacket, his hat, the way he is holding that fish...the background and all the fishing line, tippet, etc. at his side. I know this face, this look. I feel like he could walk right out of the picture into the living room.  When he comes home from a day like this, I ask him if he wore sunscreen that day.  I want to go out to dinner and talk about our day and dream about what's next on our agenda. I want to hear about this day... how was your client? How was the fishing? I want to have to go to King Soopers to get stuff for your lunches for the next day.  I want to bake cookies for your clients. I want to hear you wake up at 4-5am. I want to feel you kiss me goodbye in the morning. I want to come home to you- how you would greet me at the door and give me a kiss every single day. Not one day went by when that didn't happen. You would be making dinner and you would be so excited to show me... to have me taste the new recipe you came up with. We would take Drake on a walk. We would listen to music and have a beer.

Life is not the same without you. It will never, ever, ever be the same.  I don't know how to go from a married, stable girl to a single girl.  I'm probably not any fun to be around because I don't know how to become this other person that exists without you. I am moving forward because I have to, but I am still trying to figure out who this girl is. Once, I was part of a whole with you. I am now this 29 year-old, realizing I am going to be 30 in a year. Not knowing how I feel about that.  Feeling older and unsure of life.  Feeling out of place at a bar or a club. Feeling out of place hanging out with single, 26-ish people. Feeling out of place hanging out with my married friends. Realizing that all of my close friends are married.  Wondering if I will ever be so lucky to have kids or get married again.  Wondering what all of that would be like... then, seeing a photo of you like this and remembering what I had, where I was, who I was, and realizing I will never be that girl again. A part of me has died and it hasn't come back yet. Not only am I missing you, Jonathan, I am missing me.

In a weird place

I feel so distant from you.  Maybe it's because I have prayed to feel better and the only way I can feel better is to separate myself. I have been hanging out with someone for a little over a month. He's funny and smart and I really like to be with him. We take Drake for walks. He seems to really like Drake and Toby, which means so much to me. We enjoy being outdoors. We enjoy beer. We laugh a lot. It's strange to me to have found someone that I enjoy being with so much.

My life is drastically different. All of your things still sit where they were placed by you so long ago.  Your clothes sit folded on the top shelf in our closet. Your clothes hang in the closet.  I look at your ties one by one and remember each time you wore them. I remember you holding up a tie to a shirt and a shirt to a tie and I would help you choose the "right" combination. My combination...and you trusted me. Your jackets hang in the front closets, your hats in the spare room closet. Your waders hang in the garage. Your stuff is still everywhere.

The other day, I took your hat, your wallet, and your watch...all things you were wearing that night, and I put them in the closet. They have been on top of our bedroom dresser for a year. Just sitting there. Reminding me that your wallet is not in your back pocket. Reminding me that you aren't wearing your favorite Simms hat. Reminding me that you aren't hanging your watch out the window of our car as we go over a mountain pass... so you can tell me what your watch reads as the altitude.  The clothes you wore on November 22nd and November 23rd, sat by your side of the bed. Your pajama pants, or as you called them, your shleepy pants, a couple of t-shirts, a pair of pants with a belt, a red sweatshirt and a blue sweater. They have been there for a year. Some of the stuff I got out of your truck was sitting there. The face off your stereo, a couple of fly boxes, the smashed-up top to a rod tube, fly line, etc. etc. These all sat on your side of the bed... the side closest to the window. The side I never had to look at. The side I pile with clean clothes in order to fill the void. The side that still has your pillow lying there.

I picked up these things the other day and I put them in the closet and I put them in the laundry hamper. I can still smell your deodorant on one of the shirts.  Man, that stuff lasts a long time... that shirt is going to be hard to wash.  Sometimes I wonder if the only way I will do anything with your stuff is if I move out of our house.  I don't want to get rid of anything. I feel like maybe I can put it somewhere where I can't see it, but to actually give it away? Unconscionable.

I often wonder how if I can't do these things... how someone else could want to date me.  How if I went to a widower's house and he had all of his wife's things...how I would feel, never having lost so profoundly to be able to really understand.  I guess those questions don't really matter because he either accepts where I am in this tragedy, or he doesn't. So far, he does... and that is nice.

I am needing to change my cell phone plan. Big step. I had a family plan. I still have your phone on the plan. I can still charge up your phone and look at your messages, call your voice mail and hear your voice. Your phone number still exists in this world. Speed dial #2 (because #1 is voice mail) still says 'Pumpy.'  When I lose my phone I can use your phone to call it and find it. Sometimes I do that, and I will check my phone and it says 'Missed call-Pumpy.'  I lose my breath when that happens. I am caught off-guard. If I change my plan and upgrade my phone, it will now just be my plan. One. Uno. Me. Just me. Your phone number will go into the land of la-la to be used by some person who doesn't deserve to have it or know anything about you. Who you are. It's amazing to me that I am even thinking this way because I am one of the last people to believe that a cell phone means something this profound.  It only does to me, now, because I have a record of your texts to me, I have a record of your phone calls to me.  Sometimes you feel so distant that I need this personal reminder of our interactions together.  Changing our plan is just one more thing that pulls you away from me.  I am no longer married on the outside.

The life of a single person is drastically different than that of a married person. I was talking to my friend the other day and she was saying how her husband can never complete a task. There are all these little things that need to be done that get done half way. She was saying how frustrating it is. I had two reactions. 1. I know this feeling. Jonathan and I had so much work to do on our house, we would often start something, get tired of it and come back to it a month later. 2. It was interesting to me to realize that I understood what that felt like and to want to tell her, well then why don't you finish it if it frustrates you so much? I, now, have to do all of those tasks on my own. Single people are probably much more productive because they are not always relying on the other person to 'do' something.  I don't get frustrated anymore, because the only person I can get frustrated at is me.

I still hate November. Can we just skip this month? Can I just go to sleep Thanksgiving week and wake up when it is over?

These days are my recent memories...

It might be that it is now fall. It might be that my memories of Halloween last year are so vivid. My memories of October and November are my last memories with Jonathan. It's that time of year again and that might be why I have felt like crap.

It is cold and I want nothing more than to curl up with my husband on the couch. I just spent the last 30 minutes deleting and organizing old emails. Difficult, to say the least. It's great that I have those for memories, but hard to see them. Hard to realize he's gone. Hard to vividly remember what I was doing this time last year. How happy I was. How happy and excited we were. I just looked through a photo album I had put together. In it, I kept some newspaper clippings, anniversary cards, a large wedding photo, and I kept our pieces of paper where we were brainstorming names for our new business. I have the front and back of 4 pages of paper covered with ideas for names. I looked at each one for a moment and I remembered the discussion about every single one of those names...I remember Jonathan's face. His reaction. His love for the name Riffle Hounds Fly Fishing. I know he loves that logo Paul made.    

Most days I'm fine and then others are just like a ton of bricks fell on me like in a Looney Tunes cartoon.  I know Jonathan is gone, but I miss him so much. I miss his laugh. I miss his smile. I miss his sense of humor. I miss his ability to make me happy after I've had a rough day. I miss his hugs and his kisses. I miss everything about him.  I miss how much he did to make me happy. How when I got home today and I thought about how cold it was, and how much I didn't want to walk Drake, how Jonathan would have already done it. True love. He loved me so much and would have done anything for me. It makes me realize that if the roles were reversed, how much he would not be dealing with this.  I wonder if I will ever find someone again who will love me as much as he does.

As I get back out into the dating world, it's not that the people I've met aren't great.  I realize that I have not been able to fully open up. I feel like I have been able to open up a lot, but there's still this 'unknown' about how to talk about Jonathan. I have mentioned things here and there, but after that, there is no more conversation. When is it okay? When will the person I am seeing want to talk more about Jonathan?  The hardest part is that I want to talk about Jonathan. I want to tell everyone how awesome of a husband he was. How much I miss him and how much I still can't believe he is gone. It is now November 3rd (almost 4th), and the date is coming up. 20 days to be exact. I'm not sure what I am going to do or how I am going to handle this day or this week- November 24-November 30. It is still unbelievable that it will be a year soon.

As I picked up candy for Halloween at the wal-mart down the street. I remembered that a year ago that day, I waited in the car and Jonathan went inside the wal-mart. I texted him: Get a bag of candy.  I remember going out to thrift stores to find our costumes. I remember him dropping me off at home and then heading to the mall to find a pair of suspenders. He only needed them for the costume so we wrapped them up with the receipt around them, ready to return them. Now they will never be returned. They are a reminder of some of my last days with the love of my life.  I know I have said this about a million times, but I cannot believe he is gone.  I keep his fly tying room closed and am almost afraid to open it some days because I think he might just be standing there like, 'I have been here the whole time. I have just been in here tying flies for a year.'
This month sucks. I HATE November.

Yes. I am Ok.

I went to Utah- to Canyonlands and Arches with what I guess you could call strangers. I knew one of them, but not very well. The other two I didn't know at all.  They aren't strangers anymore, but it was quite an adventure.  Jonathan would be so proud of me. After 11 months of pure hell, pain, and life without you, I feel alive again. Life still exists and there are people like you that I can share this with. It's definitely not the same as sharing life with you, but as I get more comfortable, as I can open up more, it becomes more fun and exciting to share life with others, with friends.  While I know how you would have enjoyed the night hike to the Arch and the sunrise, I also get to see how others enjoy it. I get to know you and know how you would have felt, how you would have reacted, how you would have been on this whole trip, and I get to be with other people who love life and these experiences as much as we do. I carry you everywhere I go.

I went camping without you. That was hard. My first time. I kept thinking, Jonathan would have done this... Jonathan would have done that.  Instead of dwelling on that, I did it. I took everything I learned from you, my love, and I did it. I pulled strength from out of nowhere. I brought our stuff- your stuff. All the things you taught me, I remembered. I did the things you did so many times.  While I wished you were there, it was also okay at the same time. I was comfortable, happy. Happy to be with people who love life like me.  I was scared because camping was our thing. We loved it. We had a great time together. We shared so much. We were so happy to be outside and sharing it. I will never forget our last camping trip.  We spent a good 2 hours sawing a dead tree down. When I had blisters and got tired, you took a turn, then I took a turn, and on and on it went.  Drake chased the flashlight and shadows. You took photos. I'm trying to learn how to use the camera, but I'm not as good as you. I took a neat fire picture. I got frustrated when I didn't know how to slow the shutter speed. We tried to read up on it, but I sort of shut down.  I wanted you to show me how to do it  and you weren't there so I  didn't want to learn anymore. I can't believe how much I miss you.  I can believe it, but it comes in these crazy waves of being okay and not so okay.  It's hard not having my best friend. My person I can talk to about anything. My support. My love. I haven't cried in a long time, but tonight I am.

That doesn't mean I'm not okay. I'm crying because I am separating from you. I'm doing 'the impossible' without you and it is going ok. I like this and hate this all at the same time.  The part that keeps me going is that I know you are here with me through everything I do and that's how I know I am ok.    

My mom told me...

she is amazed by me. I have always been resilient. I have always been able to spring back to life and she is amazed at my ability to do this. When crazy things would happen to me or life would take me in another direction, I always seemed to be able to cope better than most people. I have always had this inherent understanding that I am not in control; I cannot control what is happening or has happened. I can look for the wonderful things in life. I can find the things that make me happy. Being happy is a choice, just like being miserable is a choice. I remember making a promise to myself as a child to always look for the beautiful, the positive, the wonderful things in life no matter what happens.

The beautiful thing about this is that I am not choosing to be happy. I am genuinely happy. I still miss Jonathan more than even I can comprehend, but life is still so magical...so beautiful...and so wonderful. I could be angry, but I'm not. I could be depressed, but I'm not. I could be so many things that I am not and I am so thankful. I prayed so much to be okay, to be able to love again, and to be able to look at the world not only in the way I used to, but to see it even better.  It's amazing to see some of these things actually happening. There is life after death.  I survived death and I am alive. It's almost like I reached the bottom of a well. I can see light at the top but I don't know what it is... I keep climbing and keep climbing.  There is life out there... and it can be amazing.  There are people out there who bring out the best in you... without you even knowing it, but you know it because you are happy.  There are so many people to meet and so much to learn in such a short time on earth! I want to take every opportunity to be out in the world and experience all that God has given us.

After Jonathan passed, I really felt like I didn't know who I was anymore. I was a mix of a girl in her early 20's and who I was as a married woman, ready to have a family. I am different now. I am strong. I am a little bit of the young 20's girl, a little bit of a woman who knows how to be a loving wife, and a bit more mature. I'm ready for adventure and I'm ready for wherever life wants to take me. I am no longer scared of losing what Jonathan and I had- because it's no longer here.

I have grown spiritually, individually, lovingly, and more than I could have ever fathomed. With how quickly I have moved and how quickly I have learned to accept, I cannot question Jonathan's involvement. Jonathan loves me more than anything in the world, just as I love him. All he would ever want is for me to be happy, to have fun, to be safe, and to see him in another 70 years...I can't be sure where this strength comes from, but I think I know.

A part of me feels very odd to be okay with dating again. It has been almost 11 months. I have heard from so many widows where it has been 2 years, 4 years, 5 years, even 10 years and they are finally ready to date again. What does this say about me? I love Jonathan as much or even more than those women love their husbands. So what does that mean?  Just as my mom said... how do I bounce back so quickly?  I think it all comes down to knowing that my time in this life is very, very short. I could spend 10 years being sad... 10 years wasting my life being sad, when I know that 10 years of being sad won't change anything. Maybe I can get to heaven and talk to Jonathan about all the cool stuff I did in middle age... all the cool stuff I did when I am 70...Age 29 to age 70 is a long time. A lot of time to enjoy life, to learn and grow.  A lot of time to meet people who bring out the best in me.

I wish somehow that everyone else could understand this desire to 'be out there' like I do. I think some people just have that and I think some people go through tragedy to have that. I wish people would realize that work isn't everything. Experiences, family, friends, and life is so important. Go do something you wouldn't normally do. Take a chance. Make a fool of yourself.  Laugh about it!  Put aside the dishes and chores for a whole weekend and just go have fun. There is so much more to life than stress.  Take a road trip. Make Memories! You will soon find how happy you can be when you decide to forget about things you think are 'so important.' They are not. In the grand scheme of things. If you were to go tomorrow, would you be happy that you spent your whole weekend doing chores? That's not what life is about. There's a balance, and if you push yourself, you will find it.

A quote from my calendar: "Where your pleasure is, there is your treasure: where your treasure, there your heart; where your heart, there your happiness."  Augustine

What I am...and what I am not...

I am in love with Jonathan...
I am a girl one year older...with wrinkles...with gray hair...
I have aged. It's apparent.
I am a girl with a desire to have a family again...but a girl who misses her husband desperately
I am not willing to settle
I am willing to love
I am willing to meet new people
I thought it would be okay if those people were not like Jonathan...but it's not. Jonathan was fun. IS fun. The light of my life. Unique, with opinions, with things to teach me. My love. My love. My love.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. Where are you? I miss you. Come back. NOW. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please.
7 Pleases because that was your favorite number (since you didn't really care about your favorite number, but I made you tell me what it was).
I am strong. Maybe...
I am okay. Maybe...
I am struggling. Maybe...
I am not a girl without a future..it just hasn't come yet.
I am not unhappy either. I just miss you. Tremendously  x  Infinity.

Independence

I sat at the Subaru dealership today not thinking about how alone I was. My new car was due for an oil change, tire rotation and the normal "check up." Is that what you call it or is that strictly for a doctor's office? I can't believe it has 8K miles on it already. The first time I went, I was scared. It's such a weird feeling to me to know how truly independent I felt when married to Jonathan, but to realize how much I depended on him for absolutely everything, now that he's not here. I guess that is what you do in a marriage. You give your whole self to that person. Today, though, I drove my car up, I gave them my keys, I sat in the "customer lounge" watching the news and reading a Glamour magazine. I was fine. I wasn't alone, I was just me. My car was done and I drove home. They offered flowers again today, but this time I didn't take them. They usually give 3 carnations. I was okay this time. I didn't need their condolences- even though they didn't know that's what they were offering me the first time.

I am going out on Friday with friends from work. I am going to meet a guy I have been casually emailing over the last few months. I'm not sure if he's interested in me, or if he's just a nice guy wanting to be friends, but I am really looking forward to meeting him. I talked to him last night and I was really nervous- because I think he's attractive and so kind. I can already tell we get along... but I felt silly being nervous last night- not knowing what to say, even though I have a lot to talk about! I guess even as you get older, you still get nervous. I haven't dated in a long time...if this is even a date. I am still happy. Wow, I didn't think I would write that for awhile. It is nice to feel alive and excited. Especially when the guy you are going to meet is really worth meeting.

Friday, the 24th, will be 10 months. 2 more months and it will be 1 year. It seems impossible that it will be a year soon, but I also see so many changes in who I am. I still miss Jonathan terribly, but I am also okay. I truly know that I can love Jonathan but love someone else as much as I loved him. I am completely amazed at how God has been working in my life. I used to really dislike talking on the phone and I find myself calling people. I find myself understanding who I am as an independent adult. Jonathan and I met when I was 21- hardly an adult. It's very strange to be a professional adult on your own after so long. It's amazing to me because I know that love is God's wish for us...all I feel is overwhelming love for life and for everyone around me. This is not coming from me. God is teaching me and I am learning so much.

I am happy. Happy to be in Colorado, even though my family is not here. I miss my mom, dad, brother, grandma... but I am doing ok. I used to think I was strong before this, but I don't think I knew the definition. This is going to sound so very bizarre, but a part of me feels like I was chosen to go through this. Like it was known that I would be ok. When God says  he won't give you more than you can handle, you might feel like it's MORE at the time, but he obviously knows what you can handle. Maybe I have something to offer someone else and the only way I could do that is to go through this. That sounds selfish, I realize, but I have really learned a lot about who I am over the past 6 months (when I wasn't so numb).  Maybe Jonathan was an angel sent from Heaven. Maybe his passing was just a mistake...just an accident. I won't know in this lifetime.

I went to church with Kim and Toph this last Sunday. I missed the Catholic church. There's a lot to be said about tradition and true spirituality. Their church was great, and I am definitely not saying it's not spiritual, but I missed the tradition. I missed the structure. Communion means something different to me.  I had a conversation with my friend, Michelle, who went to church last Sunday. We were talking about how sad it will be when churches begin to disappear. Kids don't go to church much anymore. I wonder when they will become obsolete. It is very sad to think about.

I get a lot of inspiration from other widows. Michelle Neff Hernandez has been a widow for 5 years and is getting married. She has children. I wonder if it takes longer for people with children... I love her blog posts. Congratulations to her. Independence and the ability to love again.

______________________________________________________________

By the time you all read this post I will be married. Even as I type these words I find that fact slightly unbelievable, because five years ago I was certain that my life was over. My heart was still beating, my lungs worked, my eyes opened each morning, but my LIFE was over. 

I found the fact that the world as I knew it had stopped turning to be both limiting and liberating. On the one hand I was desperate to have my old reality back, and on the other I just wanted to move onto the next world as soon as possible. Either situation would have worked for me, because the point was to be with Phil again in one world or another, I didn't even really have a preference. Not caring was freeing, while desiring the impossible was infuriating. My days were marked by the swing of the pendulum...desperate, reckless, desperate, reckless. Looking back now I tremble at the memory of those days, and also marvel at the power of the human soul to somehow persevere. Because I have. Somehow I lived through the terrifying reality that my husband was dead, and that the life I reveled in was no longer available. 

At one time surviving the absence of Phil from my daily life took every ounce of my energy. As I grew through my widowhood I began to see that recreating my life was actually a bigger job, made more complicated by the fact that not only did I lack the energy to create, but I lacked the desire. I wondered how I was supposed to manufacture a zest for life that I did not feel. Forgive me if you thought for a second that I actually have the answer to this rhetorical question. Because I don't. Personally, I consider the fact that a genuine enthusiasm for life has been returned to me a miracle.

(Disclaimer: I have been corrected before when using the word miracle, so I want to be very clear here. I am using the Michele Neff Hernandez dictionary of words and freely applying creative license to define something that I find totally incredible.)

Here are a few things I consider to be miraculous...the fact that my heart survived losing Phil because it really should have stopped beating, the idea that taking all of those little steps forward followed by huge steps back throughout the grieving process actually did move me forward, coming to the realization that love is worth the pain of loss no matter how devastating eventual separation will be, the finding of space for so many more people in my life and in my heart, truly knowing love and recognizing it when I felt a knock on my heart, finding a man who loves this new me in so many of the ways that the old me was loved for just who she was at the time, the fact that neither joy nor grief is mutually exclusive. 

These are just a few things I personally consider to be gifts of an inexplicable nature. The fact that I can't tell you how I got here baffles me a bit, but grief has taught me to stop looking for the explanation and just enjoy the moment. Which is what I hope to report to you that I did every minute of September 18Th, and yes, I will post pictures. Thank you all for the outpouring of love and good wishes. I take them with me into this new phase of my life as treasures from the past that will brighten the future.

I Didn't Know Him Well...but I Knew he was a Great Man

Lary Junge passed away today. He was 52. He was a Mainframe Programmer in the IT department where I work. I wasn't sure how I would handle death so close to home, but I think I'm better prepared for it. Lary had some back problems, but I'm still not sure what happened. Something about him on the way to the hospital and collapsing in the parking lot. He worked for the company for 22 years. He knew a lot of people. It was extremely somber this afternoon. It was very hard to see the pain on so many faces, and to know that it had not really hit them yet. I know how I would have felt today if Jonathan were still here, and I recognize the change in who I am now that Jonathan is not here. I am sort of strong. After I cried, and then cried a few more times, I was able to realize that I can relate to those employees who knew Lary for those 22 years. How painful it will be to see his empty cubicle. How painful it will be when we hire for his position. When we have project meetings and he is no longer in them. The most intense pain I feel is for his wife and kids. He has a 10 year old and a 16 year old. It was his daughter's 16th birthday today. I just want to go to his family and be there for anything they need, but I know they are in shock and I know they probably don't want strangers around. I am praying for him and for his family. How absolutely awful. He was such a great man. Unbelievable.

You Are Home to Me

I suppose that I have learned to come home to an empty house. Maybe I just don't allow myself to think about it. I typically have so much to do that I don't have time to think. Taking care of pets and a house and working full time, while trying to get some kind of decent sleep, makes chores and errands more difficult when you used to have the luxury of splitting these up among two.

Sometimes I forget to water the garden for a day. Sometimes the dishes and vacuuming get put on hold. I don't take Drake for nearly enough walks (which makes me feel guilty). I don't cook for myself as much as I should. I make a lot of macaroni and cheese, popcorn, spaghetti, breakfast for dinner, quesadillas, and of course, veggies from my garden... At least I'm getting some veggies in there.

I have the worst time waking up in the morning, which might be a result of having the worst time falling asleep at night. Sometimes I lay awake at midnight just looking around my room. I am so exhausted but for some reason, cannot get to sleep. Sometimes I like to pretend that it's God's way of protecting me from nightmares. At least then, there is some explanation for the ridiculousness of my sleeping patterns.

Due to my ridiculous sleeping patterns, I have noticed a lot of wrinkles under my eyes. I don't remember having many- if any- prior to nine months ago. I have also found an abundance of grey hairs. Sometimes I fool myself with how "well" I am doing...but my grey hairs have been a good, internal recognition of how I am really feeling.

It was actually quite comical when I went to Ace Hardware the other night trying to explain to them what the lawn mower was doing. I'm sure I sounded ridiculous trying to explain this 'gurgling' sound. Regardless, they pointed me to some carburetor/choke cleaner and were kind enough to even tell me where I should spray it, (aka, where the carburetor is).

I have been to a few weddings this summer. Most recently was Dakin and Brenda's. I had an unusually hard time there because I was with all your friends. I know how much you and Dakin got along. I remember the joking, the fun, the nights of guitar hero at Dakin's house... I saw Shawna and Aaron. The last time we saw them was at our house for the 4th of July. Shawna was pregnant with her first baby. Now they have two!

I still watch football. I didn't know how hard it would be without you, but the joy and the memories override the pain of you not being here. I went to the CU/CSU game. You would have liked that.

I went rafting with Ryan and Alissa in Kremmling (Pumphouse, actually). As we got down to the put in area, I thought of you in that river fishing as you did so many times. A mayfly landed on me. It reminded me of you fishing. It reminded me of you telling me the story of the Mother's Day mayfly hatch. It's supposed to be really good fishing during the mayfly hatch.

Every day that goes by, it is more unbelievable that you aren't here. I am trying to decorate the living room. I bought a new chair and some new paintings to hang up.  I wonder what you would have thought of my new chair. It is small and cute and fits me just perfectly. We probably wouldn't have bought it because it would have been too small for you. It feels like a story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. I want to buy a new comforter for the guest bed. I am struggling with trying to be my own person and choose decorations I like, and still wanting to choose the things you said you wanted. I remember asking you what you thought about the guest room being black and white with the contrasting green on the wall. You said you didn't like black and white because it felt 'cold.' You were okay with the right shade of brown. I find myself looking for brown instead of black...When I bought my new paintings, I wondered what you would think of them. I wasn't sure of them myself, but I knew you would have loved them. When I got them home, I decided I loved them, too.

What's even more unbelievable is the fact that I am even trying to decorate. It has been so difficult to move past the pain of doing things without you, making decisions without you, and changing our home without you. But... I am doing it. I feel joy in trying to make my home feel like home again. For 9 months, I have been living in this place with a bed and a kitchen... it doesn't feel like home. Our wedding song. Do you remember? Of course you do. We found it on one of those silly tv music channels that Comcast gives you.   After looking for this song, I just heard Josh Kelley say this was the number one wedding song in 2004. We never knew that. We found it and it was ours. We sang to each other and we danced. I loved it. I miss my home.


I find myself wanting to do certain things for myself... like reading my trashy, gossip magazines I so love. I never spent our money on those. You would encourage me to, because you knew I didn't do very much for myself and you knew it was fun for me. So, now when I see those magazines, sometimes I pick one up and I buy one and I hear you rooting me on.

YOU ARE HOME TO ME.

Blog, bloggity, blog, blog

I'm apparently more in the mood to steal other's blogs than to write my own. This one, especially, hit home. It's awful that anyone has to experience this, but I feel better knowing I'm not in this boat alone.

Thursday, September 9, 2010Life Goes On...Right??? 
http://widowchick.blogspot.com/2010/09/life-goes-onright.html


Does anyone else remember the moment when they realized that life was still going to happen even though we thought it had come to a stand-still? I’ve had several moments like that, but I distinctly remember the first time it happened.



Not long after my husband’s death, my best friend called to tell me that she was pregnant. I was so happy for her…over the moon. But after thinking about it for a bit, I realized that my best friend was going to have a baby. A whole new person. And my husband was never going to meet him. My friend’s son might hear stories and “know” him in an abstract way, but he would never be tickled by him. Never hear him laugh. That child would never get to see my husband act like a jackass with his own dad.



Really…he’s going to miss out on a lot.



I can’t tell you what a disturbing feeling that was for me. Actually, it still is a little. And it’s not that I’m so egocentric that I can’t believe the world doesn’t revolve around me and my needs (okay…maybe I am. But I’m working on it). It was just so unbelievable to me that new things would happen…that my husband would never see.



A lot of us have talked about the movie P.S I Love You (which if you haven’t seen it and you’re new to this journey…caution, caution, warning ahead…possible nervous breakdown inducer). One of the most memorable moments in that movie for me was when the widow was sitting in a little rowboat in Ireland with her 2 best friends. One of the friends lets it slip that she’s pregnant and the other blurts out that she’s engaged. I’ll never forget the crestfallen look on the widow’s face the moment she realizes that life was going to go on…even though she thought it had stopped.



At that point, that character kind of retreats from her friends. And her friends mistake that for her being selfish. But I can relate to that feeling. Knowing that life is going to go on for everyone else whether you like it or not is an overwhelming feeling. And having that moment when you realize you better get on the boat or it’s going to leave without you, is a hard thing to wrap your mind around.



It’s actually the little things that really hit me. Songs that I hear on the radio and think, “He never heard this one. I wonder if it would have gotten on his nerves?” He would never see Modern Family. Never get to meet all of the wonderful people I’ve met since he’s been gone.



One of the most confusing times I’ve had with this was when I started dating someone new…who I just knew my husband would like. How weird is that?? To be dating someone and think, “Awww shoot! My husband will never meet him! They would have loved each other!”



Now that I think about it…the fact that this guy is dating his wife…that introduction probably wouldn’t have gone over so well.



I know everyone goes through this when they’re dealing with loss and no one knows about it until that day comes. And our friends aren’t being insensitive when they get on with their lives…they just don’t know.



But that time will come for everyone. That same friend who had the baby is now dealing with her mother who has terminal cancer. And one of the first things she said to me was, “My son will never really know her.” And I know that she’s starting to go through the motions of realizing that life will go on…whether she's ready for it or not.



I’m just glad that I can be there, cry with her, and say, “I know. I know.”

I Couldn't Have Said It Better

"I experience a very deep feeling of loneliness, not just because I am alone, but because I am alone without my spouse.

I then explained how rare it is to feel someones arms around me. I went from having someone who loved me, who shared my bed with me, who told me each day that I was loved, to suddenly being quite alone. I asked them to try to imagine going from the place of love and intimacy, to being completely alone. I also reminded them that as humans, we seek to love and to be loved. And, while not everyone will choose to seek out a new partner, most of us will recognize the need to have one. This is especially true for us if we had a good relationship. We know what true love brings to our lives, and at our core, we still desire that." -Dan in real time

Relationships change

Early on, after Jonathan's passing, I read that my friendships and relationships would change. I wasn't so sure. I was surrounded by love. Phone calls every day from numerous people just wanting to say hi- to see how I was. As the months fly by, I see this desire from others fade away. I'm sure I put on a good face. I'm sure I seem okay to most people. I know they are still there, but they don't seem to put themselves out there as much as they did 8-9 months ago. Don't get me wrong, I am so very grateful to everyone who was there for me, who is still here for me. There are some of them I know I couldn't have done this without. So...9 months later, it's still hard. I still struggle. I still think about and love Jonathan so desperately. I am so vividly aware of his disappearance. I actually think it's getting harder as summer starts to fade and fall and winter approach.

I was out running errands and I wanted chinese food. I went in and ordered my food (ordered food for two people). As I sat there waiting for my order, I watched a young couple at a table. Married. Talking about life. Talking about issues. Grabbing the other's hand from time to time. Jonathan and I have sat in that chinese restaurant time after time and probably looked just like that couple. I took my order to go because I'm not quite ready to sit in a restaurant by myself.

My friends are getting married, they are having babies. They have families of their own. They have work, they are on vacation. Everyone gets busy. I know they still care about me, but it's still very painful. I suppose until you are in this situation, you don't know. I still have a hard time reaching out to others. I kind of feel like I'm burdening them... "hey, I know you have a husband and family and plenty of stuff to do, but want to go hang out?" When your friends are single, it's much easier because they are lonely too. They need someone to go to the movies with, to go to dinner with, to just hang out with.

I never thought it would change in the way that it has...

Separation

Loving so deeply and losing so profoundly has made me a different person. I see life differently. I feel more compassion. I laugh a little harder. I love others a little deeper and I let things go much more easily. I am so grateful for the time I had with you, my love. Every day I am amazed at something I do that I realize I learned from you. I am so grateful for everything you taught me and who you helped me become. Yesterday was the 9 month anniversary of your passing. I still feel sick to my stomach to think about it. I think back on who I was 9 months ago and I realize it was definitely not me who made that choice, even though there wasn't really a choice to make. I was not even really there for the week you were in the hospital and I'm not even sure who that person was. You weren't there in the hospital either. There was no other choice. Instead of dwelling on what has happened and how I will never get you back, I can try to move on. I can laugh when I think about your jokes. I can smile when I think about you looking at me with love in your eyes. I can be grateful for all the things we learned together, all the things we did together, all the love we gave each other. I can look forward to my future. I can be grateful I have a future, grateful that I am still here.

I went to Dakin and Brenda's wedding this weekend in Pagosa Springs. You would have been there. Ryan did what he told you he would do and got his minister license. He married Brenda and Dakin and it was very moving and beautiful. As I was talking to Kami, I got up from the table and looked to my left to where the boys were standing and almost asked YOU if I could get you anything. Then, I realized YOU weren't there. Then, there's that sinking feeling again...

So often, I wonder how you would be doing if the roles were reversed. Would you have gone to the wedding? Would you have sold our house? Would Pokey be missing? Would you be dating again? Would you have moved in with Mom and Dave? I contemplated that for awhile. Would you cook for yourself? Would you clean? Would you be excited for the Broncos' season to start? Would you take Drake on walks every day? Would you still be taking photographs? Would you be hanging out with Topher and Ryan? Would all my stuff still be in the house? Would you have gotten rid of the king bed because it's unbearable to sleep on? Would you have planted a garden? Would you still guide? Would you try to continue the fly fishing business? Who would have done our taxes? Would my name still be on the bank accounts? Would you have gone to the Rush concert? Would you have gone to concerts of my favorite bands? Would you have gone to the quail hunt? It's funny because I know the answer to most of these questions. If you and I were talking about this right now and you were asking me these questions, you would joke and say that a month after you were gone, I would find another guy, I would get rid of all your fishing stuff, and I would move back to AZ. It's one thing to joke about it and another to live it. That, of course is nothing like what is happening.

It's amazing how your mind and body cope. I was just thinking about how if I was supposed to attend Jonathan's service today, instead of 9 months ago, I don't think I could even go. For the first month, you are completely numb. For the next 2-3 months, you are in pain but also still numb. Come month 4, you are in sheer agony, as the hope fades that this is all a dream. Month 5 is still pretty much like month 4 but brutal reality hits. Month 6 gets a little bit better- you start to feel alive again instead of feeling like you are a zombie. Life begins to mean something again, but different than what you knew before. Month 7 was good. The sun is shining, it's hot outside, I'm plenty busy with Rockies games, friends, dinners, and Drake. Month 8 is where I started to feel the separation. All this time, I have felt you here. I feel you everywhere. I hardly ever felt alone even though you are gone. I felt like I could talk to you if I needed to. I could go to weddings and still feel like you were there somehow. I could hang out with friends and avoid the fact that you weren't there. Month 9 has been hard. August was my birthday and our 6 year anniversary. As I am trying to move forward and build a new life, I can't help but think about what we would have done this year if you were here.

Now that I am trying to move on, it's not as easy to pretend that you are at home. I can't pretend you are still here for me when I don't wear my wedding ring and am thinking about dating. It is obvious you aren't here when I can't get the mower started and days go by and it is still me who has to get the mower started. When you aren't my dancing partner at weddings. When I want to do the things you and I would have done and I can't because I am just one person. When I want to go camping with my family-YOU. When I just want to go to dinner with you. When I want to tell you about my day. When I want to share with you the joy of our friend's weddings or babies. How I wish you were here to see Kim's little belly growing, to know that Natalie and David are moving back, to know that Lindsi and Scott are having another baby, to be there for Dave with his parent's issues, to be so happy for Ryan and Alissa's engagement and Dakin and Brenda's wedding. A part of me knows that you know all these things and have shared all these things with me, but a part of me can't feel that anymore. I don't feel you around me as much as I used to and these things are getting harder to now experience "without you."

I struggle with finding other men interesting and getting excited about the future and the possibility of dating, and still wanting to celebrate my 6 year anniversary. I don't think this means I am not ready to move forward, but I wonder if I will always have that struggle (just lesser and lesser) because I will always love you.

I read a blog from a woman whose husband passed 5 years ago. She is getting married this year and she still thinks about and loves her first husband:
http://widowsvoice-sslf.blogspot.com/2010/08/five-years.html

I suppose I am feeling this separation from you so that I can love again.

More dreams

I have dreamt of Jonathan the last two nights. Saturday night, we were in love, we were husband and wife, we were living, we were celebrating our anniversary. I woke up absolutely amazed that I dreamt of that the night of our anniversary. I wish I remembered more details, but I woke up happy and it felt like I just hugged him and held him and talked to him. I didn't want to wake up.

Last night's dream was surreal. We were in our house, but it was in some place like Oregon. It wasn't our house today, but it was our house in the dream. I felt peace and love. I went outside to talk to the neighbor. It was an overcast day, maybe a little rain. The neighbor was talking to me about his I-80 Account and how they used to be "the thing to get" and now they are not doing very well...Jonathan was in the house and came outside to join me. I remember thinking, "Oh my! You are here! I felt this overwhelming feeling of having a life and a future to look forward to. I thought of our I-80 Account (whatever that is- I guess like a 401K), and I thought about how well we were doing. How our future was perfect. I hugged Jonathan when he came out and we both talked to the neighbor together with our arms around each other. We then started talking about getting a Dish installed in the house, etc. It was the most real and the best I have ever felt in 9 months. I honestly remember thinking to myself... 'This nightmare is over. He is real and he is here and I am hugging him and we have a home and we have a future. Things are back to normal.' Then, I woke up to the nightmare. My evil, evil mind. I love that I had that dream, but what an awful thing to feel so good and wake up to this.

"Love Comes And Goes" Xavier Rudd






Love comes and goes
Sometimes decades sometimes months
Raise you up to the sky
Make you feel like every little thing is bright inside you
Crashing back down
Make you so sick that you want to drown
No other pain, like losing a soul mate

The roads we take in life often seem to be very strong
We walk them carelessly like we’re walking on bricks and stone
Only when we look ‘round we will see the road is packed
Oh, there we must move forward, gently as we tread

To carry our guilt sometimes seems the only thing that’s easy
Even when your flesh and bones and all it is you need
While good and evil will say that the truth will set you free
But I guess we have to wait sometimes, wait around and see

Now see the sun rising again
Brand new colors, brand new man again
Picking up the pieces of the brokenness
Sweeping up the pieces, the pieces that we had

Love comes and goes
Sometimes decades sometimes months
Raise you up to the sky
Make you feel like every little thing is bright inside you
Crashing back down
Make you so sick that you want to drown
No other pain, like losing a soul mate

Happy Anniversary - happy?

Today would be our 6th anniversary. I was so excited to celebrate our 5th anniversary. 5 years was quite the milestone. Six years would have been even sweeter. I feel like I should celebrate 6 years, but I also feel like, well... we were married for only 3 months out of this 6th year. Should it really even feel like a 6th anniversary? It does. I love you and miss you so much my sweet Jonathan. My dear husband. Drake and I went to the dog park today. He went swimming and running. We had a good time. I have chosen to be alone today- to have a day for me and Jonathan. To relax, reflect, think about our life, think about my new life. It's such a weird feeling to want to celebrate 6 years, but to also know it's not real.

August 21, 2009 - in the backyard

Kids in love-summer 2003

Yes. This one is the hardest

Thanksgiving 2009 (Jonathan was in the hospital). Christmas and Christmas Eve 2010. New Year's 2010. Jonathan's 31st birthday: January 13, 2010. Easter 2010. 4th of July 2010. The 7th anniversary of our engagement: June 21, 2010. My birthday: August 1, 2010. The date (2010) of plans for a baby...come and gone. Tool and Rush concerts for Jonathan. Next up: our 6th wedding anniversary: August 21, 2010. I am feeling awful these days. This one is hitting me so hard because my birthday and our anniversary were days we celebrated by doing a lot of special and different things. I made it through my birthday, but two difficult days in one month is wearing on me. 

I had such motivation, such desire to keep going, and keep moving early on. I still strive for that as much as possible, but feeling like I have done absolutely nothing in the last 9 months feels ridiculous to me. Sure, I keep up with household chores, I get out with friends, I laugh, I have a good time, I cry... but I don't feel like I've gotten anywhere. I am redefining myself as a person. I am trying to figure out who I am anymore and what I want and need out of this life- especially what I can give/offer to other people. I feel guilt when I do things that Jonathan doesn't get to do. I absolutely love camping and I haven't been camping this year. I am sort of okay with that because Jonathan hasn't been camping this year either. I know I can't keep that up. I'm not purposely not doing certain things, but if I don't do them, I am able to reason with myself that if Jonathan can't go, then why should I? I guess I am trying to relate to him on some level. If I don't do things that he isn't doing, then we didn't do them together. I know this sounds ridiculous but these are thoughts that really happen when you lose someone. 

As our 6th anniversary (in two days) becomes more real, I am struggling with this one. I am missing him. I am loving him. Not that I don't every day, but it's hitting me hard. We had five wonderful years of marriage. Wonderful to me means struggles, fights, love, respect, humility, God, family, sacrifice, hard work, laughter, joy, friends, support, memories, crying, talking, sharing, communicating, hugging, kissing, laughing...loving and laughing. We had all of that and it was wonderful. It's what a marriage should be. I couldn't wait to have babies with you. I couldn't wait to grow old with you. I couldn't wait to have 70+ more years being your wife. I know you know that and I know you feel the same way. May God lift me up this Saturday. May God help me through this weekend. 

Stuff, stuff, stuff

I'm trying to read Eclipse and I can't concentrate. In between, I'm folding sheets and remembering when Jonathan and I used to fold the fitted sheet. We always had the worst time because they never fold well. We finally got a system down and when we folded it right for the first time, we laughed and high-fived. This cracks me up how we found little things like this so amusing. I just came across some of Jonathan's cologne. Each bottle reminded me of him. Each one brought memories flooding back. I should not have sprayed that cologne. I'm remembering Flagstaff and early days in Colorado.  The reality that he is gone has hit me more and more this past week as I am constantly remembering little things here and little things there. As I was reading Eclipse, I remembered how I used to read with Jonathan sitting next to me tying flies. During a good part, I would explain what was going on. I remember telling Jonathan about how the book is based in the little town of La Push- a place where he and I went on our road trip Northwest for our honeymoon. Did Jonathan remember the rocky beach, the Indian land... yes.

I have recently begun to understand that if my memory of a moment, a trip, or an event fails me, I have no one to remember it with. I would often describe something and Jonathan would remember it slightly different. We would each share our own version and then laugh about it. Now, it's only my memory and when that is gone, all those memories are gone, too. I feel a frantic need to remember and document everything. One day, I will forget these little things that are so precious to me.

I am remembering how much Jonathan used to teach me about life and love. I am reminded of him in everything. Sometimes I laugh and sometimes I cry. If only he were here when Pokey went missing. Somehow, I feel like Pokey would be here right now if Jonathan were too. If only he were here, I would have a working weed whacker- he could do and fix anything. If only he were here, I would not feel so overwhelmed with life. Finding time to take care of my house and yard is difficult enough... I have so many improvements to make that I can't do on my own.  I can't move the canoe by myself, I don't want to fold the fitted sheet by myself, I can't fix the weed whacker, I can't finish the bathroom, I can't move the chain link fence and cement left at the back of the yard, I can't fix the dying aspen trees, and there is SO much of your stuff. Where do I even begin with it all? I'm feeling like my home is disorganized, but at the same time, I don't want to get rid of anything. I wonder why widows and widowers get rid of anything? I think I will only feel that necessary when there is a new person in my life. Otherwise, what is the need? This is my life and it included Jonathan and his stuff. Until that changes, I guess his stuff doesn't have to. Why did you have to go and leave me with all this stuff? I know you are angry too. You don't want me to have to deal with this.

August...already

It's hard to believe it is August. I had a fantastic birthday. I went to a Rockies game on Saturday night, and then brunch and out to dinner on Sunday, my birthday. We went to the Keg- where we went for Jonathan's birthday in January. I got to talk to my mom and dad, my brother, and a number of my friends. My next door neighbor's daughter was over, who just had a 4 day-old baby, and I got to hold him. So adorable.

My garden is doing great. I have a ton of tomatoes, peppers and broccoli. The beans, eggplant and everything else is starting to come on strong. I love my garden.

I'm going through a very weird phase right now. I don't cry most days, but there is a heaviness on my heart and I think of Jonathan all the time. I don't think I allow myself to think about it as much anymore. I have been sad for so long... I just can't physically do it anymore. I truly am feeling better day by day. I look forward to re-building the kind of life I had.

Early on, I read something a widow wrote about how her house is not "their" house anymore, it is now "her" house. I wondered how that could ever possibly happen. How could I ever feel like this house is my house? It's not. It's our house. I suppose it's starting to feel more like my house, but I don't know how I could ever look at that garden and think that it's mine when Jonathan and I worked so hard to get that going. I don't know how I could ever look at my grill and think it was mine- when we spent so many nights hanging out on the patio and grilling. The trees we planted, the basement remodel, the plans and dreams for the house... those plans and dreams aren't mine, they are ours. Maybe someday it will feel like home again.

It's August. It has been 8 months. I had Jonathan's birthday without Jonathan. I had a birthday without Jonathan. I had the anniversary of our engagement without Jonathan. I bought a car without Jonathan. I have a garden without Jonathan. I'm taking care of Drake and Toby without Jonathan. I'm doing okay at work without Jonathan. I want love with Jonathan, but since I can't have that, I hope for love without Jonathan. I drive to AZ without Jonathan. I laugh and cry without Jonathan. I take photos with Jonathan's camera, without Jonathan.  I have done this all on my own (which seems weird to say, but even little things are hard). I have done so many, many things all on my own, but I fear that August 21st will be unbearable. Our 6th anniversary is August 21st. I want to do something special that day so that I can celebrate the day without sadness. I want to do something that will make me think of that new something every year on August 21st. I'm not sure what that something is. Maybe I will volunteer all day that day. Maybe I will go fishing. Maybe Drake and I will go camping. I'm not sure yet if I want to be alone that day or with my friends. I'm just not sure about August. Can we skip to September?

A Toast to my Fisherman

I received an email today from a client of Jonathan's. For this email to make sense, I am going to begin with a string of emails from last year and end with part of an email from last year.
The subject of the emails: Are you still the best guide in Colorado?

June 10, 2009

I had a blast fishing those 2 days with you a year ago on the Platte.  How has the run off been this year and is Cheeseman still fishing a great as ever?  I changed companies again as of the 1^st of this year so I have a new e-mail address.  I’m not sure if you remember, but I left my stuff in your car for a couple of days and in moving things around left my net somewhere.  Did you happen upon a good birch net in a tan bag?

 

I look forward to hearing from you soon.  Hope the fishing’s great.  On a sad note, my dear friend and fishing partner who we toasted last year succumbed to pancreatic cancer in March.  It took him in just 13 months and was brutal.   I’ve attached a pic of him with one of the Lake Erie steelheads he loved to catch near his home in Toledo.  I also attached a picture I came across of Tom when we were fishing with Steve Parrot out of Ashville a few years ago.  I think we were supposed to fish the Watauga but ended up in Tennessee on ??? Share it with Steve if you can and hoist one for a great fisherman. 

June 22, 2009

Hey Ray,

 

Good to hear from you and I am so sorry about your friend.  About your net ....I think I sold it on EBAY last year.  Just joking, I have it in my garage!!!  The Platte has been great, I have been fishing down lower in the Deckers area great caddis and stonefly hatches.  I hope all is well with you and I hope to see you soon!!!!!!  Let me know where to send the net.

 

Peace,

Johnny

Oh and YES, I am still the best guide in Colorado, thanks for asking!

July 29, 2010

Oh great guide and fisherman, how’s the water and what’s new in Colorado? I fished the Yakima up in Washington back in early May and had some good luck on bows and cuts.  However, the fish of the day was a 26” white fish that took over 10 minutes to bring in on a 5 wt.  Don’t worry, I didn’t lower myself enough to take a picture.  In fact I took no pics that day, and left it up to our guide Johnny Boitano.  But, his truck and trailer were stolen the next day, and the camera was in it.  Since there no proof, those fish I caught keep getting bigger every day. I should be holding the state records for both bows and cuts very soon.  

 

 I never got around to retrieving my net.  That must be the reason I’m not catching any fish on my local yokel river.  If I send you a self addressed padded envelope with $10, can you wrap some newspaper around the net, if you still have it, and have you mail it back to me? If so, please send me an address or PO box number.

 

I don’t think I ever sent you the pics from the days we fished outside Deckers so let me know if you want them.  I just tried attaching all of them to thismessage, but it got kicked back for making the file to large.  Take care my friend.

Dear Brianna,

 

I am so sorry to hear of your loss.  I’ve been fishing all my life, and 2 of the most memorable days I ever had were with Jon in early June 2008 on the S. Platte near Deckers on a Wednesday, then again on Saturday in Chesseman Canyon. In fact, if I recall properly, you and he were going to a R.E.M  concert that Saturday night that he was really excited about.

 

 I need to explain a couple of  traditions  I have while fishing, and want you to realize how Jonathon became part of that cycle.  My fishing partner Tom Kitz, who lived  in the northern part of Ohio, could not join me on my trip to Colorado in mid 2008 since he had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and was going to be in California to get fixed up.  Tom and I  celebrated the end of our day on a river with a snort or two of really fine scotch or cognac that I kept away in a silver and leather flax and our guides were always welcome to join in the libration to mark another quality day with our maker. Since Tom was not able to join us that day, I encouraged Jon to have a sip of the nectar, and pose for a picture so I could send it on to Tom to let him know we were thinking of him.  He was okay with me sharing time with a guide, but if it was another fisherman, he accused me of spending time with some fishing whore.  Please find attached a copy of the picture of Jonathon with the aforementioned flask. Every time the flask is raised in the future, Jonathon’s name will be recited with Tom’s.

 

Our other tradition is to share story’s during lunch of the best and worst guide stories we have ever had or heard.  It was during my dissertation of a great story that  a guide told us while fishing in North Carolina that Jonathon said; “Do you mean Steve Parrot, he works out of our shop now.”  Small world.  If I recall correctly,  Jon’s favorite, but weird story was about some old guy that got out of a limo and insisted on going after a certain fish in a certain area.  We shared thoughts on how lucky we were regarding our wonderful wives, what a great time it was being on a  river, and how life was large.  The only good news about this series of events is that Jon and Tom are now fishing together and that stories about both of them will be told for as long as I continue to fish.  Please read the final paragraph in the original section at the bottom of this email thread. Take it to heart and try to move on with your life. 

Tell your loved ones every day how much they mean to you, catch more fish, play more golf and dance as if no ones watching.  Enjoy life as if there’s no tomorrow, because there may not be. (From his original email when his friend, Tom passed).

Disorganization...motivation and stuff

I think I know a reason I have been feeling disorganized- if that's the right word. I miss Jonathan so very much, but I am also lonely. I realize that my life has to continue. I realize that I want to be happy. After 8 months, it is easier for me to see a life with someone else. As much as I would have never ever ever ever ever wished I would be here, I have to try my very best to make the most out of what has been dealt to me.

A friend from work mentioned a guy that she thought would be someone I could go on a date with. He called and left a message. I waited a week to figure out what to do.  Being a widow is a part of me now. I feel like nobody will want to deal with a girl like me - even though I feel like I'm getting along better than most people- thanks to God. I felt compelled to tell this guy who I am. I wanted him to know and then have the opportunity to decide if he still wanted to talk to me or go on a date. I wrote to him on FaceBook and told him who I was, what I was, what had happened, and that I still look forward to life and love. He, being as sweet of a guy as everyone said, wrote back and said he would still like to meet me, and that he is very sorry for what has happened. Anyway, it's been a month and we write back and forth on FaceBook.

He seems like an amazing man and he just told me recently that he is dating someone and that is why he hasn't called. However, he would still like to write and get to know me "if that is okay with me." I, of course, said that I would like to, but that's where I started to feel sad again. I was so happy at the thought of feeling good again. Finding love again.  Feeling butterflies... Nobody can replace Jonathan, but they don't have to. I will forever have Jonathan in my heart, but there's room for someone else. I don't have to stop loving Jonathan to love someone else. We still write to each other, but I can't help but wonder if my life will be like this for awhile. Guy: I can choose to date a widow with a past, a house, animals, and a life that was ripped out from under her, OR, I can choose a girl who has never been married. A girl who won't think about her first wedding day- if she ever got married again. A girl who doesn't have a house full of her husband's stuff. A girl who will love me wholly. It is silly to think that I wouldn't compare someone to Jonathan, because I will... but only to a point. When my ex-boyfriend and I broke up and Jonathan and I started dating, I considered the two of them very, very different but they each had similar qualities. I trusted both of them unconditionally, they respected me, we were open and honest, and we could talk about anything. Nobody is the same- I will never find someone like Jonathan again, and to be honest, I almost don't want to. I don't want to compare someone to Jonathan all the time. I don't want to think: Jonathan was a better cook, Jonathan was a better fly fisherman, Jonathan was a better hunter, Jonathan would do it this way... etc., etc. But... there are things that Jonathan did that are things I would definitely want from someone. Jonathan encouraged me to go out with friends, to go buy things for myself, to get my hair done (even though that only involved a hair cut!), to go for a run, to go for a hike, and to do anything that I enjoyed. It made him happy to see me happy and I couldn't have asked for a better support system.

Long story short...I want to fall in love again. The right person will be the right person and will come at the right time. I want children, but I'm beginning to come to terms that maybe that won't happen. I'm beginning to come to terms that maybe I will never find love again. I have to believe in love. I have to be open to it. While this still feels like yesterday, I do realize it has been 8 months. Is that a long time or a short time? I don't know. I just know how I feel and I want to be happy again.

A few things I remember throughout the day that I don't want to forget:
-Jonathan liked Monte Cristo sandwiches
-When Pearl Jam's Better Man came on the radio, he used to tease me that I "Can't find a better man"
-Jonathan's Green Explorer and Jonathan's Nissan. I remember the sound of the emergency brake being       released in the Nissan. I remember the sound of the Nissan's engine and the sound of the truck pulling up to the house.
-Jonathan cooking. He usually wore a grey t-shirt, for some reason. He would bring spoons over for me to taste and he would say, "what does it need?"  I would tell him and he would either say, "really?" or "good call."
-Jonathan doesn't like Fat Tire too much. He said there was a sweet aftertaste he didn't care for.
-The way he held me and would look into my eyes when I was crying. I just realized it, but Abby, Jonathan's cousin, does the same thing. When they really want you to know something, they stop everything and they make you look at them and they tell you what you need to calm down. Sincerely, and full of love and concern.
-I would cook macaroni and cheese and he never wanted any. Then, when I was done with what I wanted, he wanted to eat what was left.
-We used to go to the Race Car Grill- as we called it. I think it was called Finish Line. It's out of business now but was fun.
-We went to Rox Grill quite a bit to share an appetizer and a beer.
-He introduced me to Barman beer. I have a few Barman beer glasses my parents got for us when they were visiting. Here is a "review" from some person on some website:
OK naysayers, here is an exceptional beer brewed by a major ! 

Barman Pils is only made for the local market and is only available to a select few taverns. 

I had a tour with a VP (a childhood friend) and he took us out for a few. 

Damn good. 

They are required to do a multiple step pour (the proverbial 7 min ) 
and it is outstanding. 

fresh, full bodied, refreshing with a medium finish that is a great balance of malt and very subtle hop. 

I'm telling you, if you are nearby - seek it out. I was skeptical to the point of insulting my buddy - I ate CROW. 

A+

Serving type: on-tap