Independence

I sat at the Subaru dealership today not thinking about how alone I was. My new car was due for an oil change, tire rotation and the normal "check up." Is that what you call it or is that strictly for a doctor's office? I can't believe it has 8K miles on it already. The first time I went, I was scared. It's such a weird feeling to me to know how truly independent I felt when married to Jonathan, but to realize how much I depended on him for absolutely everything, now that he's not here. I guess that is what you do in a marriage. You give your whole self to that person. Today, though, I drove my car up, I gave them my keys, I sat in the "customer lounge" watching the news and reading a Glamour magazine. I was fine. I wasn't alone, I was just me. My car was done and I drove home. They offered flowers again today, but this time I didn't take them. They usually give 3 carnations. I was okay this time. I didn't need their condolences- even though they didn't know that's what they were offering me the first time.

I am going out on Friday with friends from work. I am going to meet a guy I have been casually emailing over the last few months. I'm not sure if he's interested in me, or if he's just a nice guy wanting to be friends, but I am really looking forward to meeting him. I talked to him last night and I was really nervous- because I think he's attractive and so kind. I can already tell we get along... but I felt silly being nervous last night- not knowing what to say, even though I have a lot to talk about! I guess even as you get older, you still get nervous. I haven't dated in a long time...if this is even a date. I am still happy. Wow, I didn't think I would write that for awhile. It is nice to feel alive and excited. Especially when the guy you are going to meet is really worth meeting.

Friday, the 24th, will be 10 months. 2 more months and it will be 1 year. It seems impossible that it will be a year soon, but I also see so many changes in who I am. I still miss Jonathan terribly, but I am also okay. I truly know that I can love Jonathan but love someone else as much as I loved him. I am completely amazed at how God has been working in my life. I used to really dislike talking on the phone and I find myself calling people. I find myself understanding who I am as an independent adult. Jonathan and I met when I was 21- hardly an adult. It's very strange to be a professional adult on your own after so long. It's amazing to me because I know that love is God's wish for us...all I feel is overwhelming love for life and for everyone around me. This is not coming from me. God is teaching me and I am learning so much.

I am happy. Happy to be in Colorado, even though my family is not here. I miss my mom, dad, brother, grandma... but I am doing ok. I used to think I was strong before this, but I don't think I knew the definition. This is going to sound so very bizarre, but a part of me feels like I was chosen to go through this. Like it was known that I would be ok. When God says  he won't give you more than you can handle, you might feel like it's MORE at the time, but he obviously knows what you can handle. Maybe I have something to offer someone else and the only way I could do that is to go through this. That sounds selfish, I realize, but I have really learned a lot about who I am over the past 6 months (when I wasn't so numb).  Maybe Jonathan was an angel sent from Heaven. Maybe his passing was just a mistake...just an accident. I won't know in this lifetime.

I went to church with Kim and Toph this last Sunday. I missed the Catholic church. There's a lot to be said about tradition and true spirituality. Their church was great, and I am definitely not saying it's not spiritual, but I missed the tradition. I missed the structure. Communion means something different to me.  I had a conversation with my friend, Michelle, who went to church last Sunday. We were talking about how sad it will be when churches begin to disappear. Kids don't go to church much anymore. I wonder when they will become obsolete. It is very sad to think about.

I get a lot of inspiration from other widows. Michelle Neff Hernandez has been a widow for 5 years and is getting married. She has children. I wonder if it takes longer for people with children... I love her blog posts. Congratulations to her. Independence and the ability to love again.

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By the time you all read this post I will be married. Even as I type these words I find that fact slightly unbelievable, because five years ago I was certain that my life was over. My heart was still beating, my lungs worked, my eyes opened each morning, but my LIFE was over. 

I found the fact that the world as I knew it had stopped turning to be both limiting and liberating. On the one hand I was desperate to have my old reality back, and on the other I just wanted to move onto the next world as soon as possible. Either situation would have worked for me, because the point was to be with Phil again in one world or another, I didn't even really have a preference. Not caring was freeing, while desiring the impossible was infuriating. My days were marked by the swing of the pendulum...desperate, reckless, desperate, reckless. Looking back now I tremble at the memory of those days, and also marvel at the power of the human soul to somehow persevere. Because I have. Somehow I lived through the terrifying reality that my husband was dead, and that the life I reveled in was no longer available. 

At one time surviving the absence of Phil from my daily life took every ounce of my energy. As I grew through my widowhood I began to see that recreating my life was actually a bigger job, made more complicated by the fact that not only did I lack the energy to create, but I lacked the desire. I wondered how I was supposed to manufacture a zest for life that I did not feel. Forgive me if you thought for a second that I actually have the answer to this rhetorical question. Because I don't. Personally, I consider the fact that a genuine enthusiasm for life has been returned to me a miracle.

(Disclaimer: I have been corrected before when using the word miracle, so I want to be very clear here. I am using the Michele Neff Hernandez dictionary of words and freely applying creative license to define something that I find totally incredible.)

Here are a few things I consider to be miraculous...the fact that my heart survived losing Phil because it really should have stopped beating, the idea that taking all of those little steps forward followed by huge steps back throughout the grieving process actually did move me forward, coming to the realization that love is worth the pain of loss no matter how devastating eventual separation will be, the finding of space for so many more people in my life and in my heart, truly knowing love and recognizing it when I felt a knock on my heart, finding a man who loves this new me in so many of the ways that the old me was loved for just who she was at the time, the fact that neither joy nor grief is mutually exclusive. 

These are just a few things I personally consider to be gifts of an inexplicable nature. The fact that I can't tell you how I got here baffles me a bit, but grief has taught me to stop looking for the explanation and just enjoy the moment. Which is what I hope to report to you that I did every minute of September 18Th, and yes, I will post pictures. Thank you all for the outpouring of love and good wishes. I take them with me into this new phase of my life as treasures from the past that will brighten the future.