Healing...healing...and more healing

I am feeling better. I think I'm finally feeling like I'm at the point of grieving where everyone else started. I was down in the depths of who knows where and I'm climbing up...slowly. I can look at pictures of Jonathan and smile and laugh. I can get up and look forward to the day. I can actually do things without thoughts of Jonathan's absence overshadow my ability to be in the moment and be happy. I can be around pregnant and married couples and be "okay." I am finally happy and excited for my friend's marriages and families and babies! I stopped wearing Jonathan's wedding ring- it kept falling off anyway, it was too big.

I am planning to go to a couple of concerts this summer- Tool and Rush. The Rush concert will be bittersweet. Jonathan and I had tickets two years ago and the concert was rescheduled due to rain. I can't remember where we were going, but we weren't able to go to the rescheduled date. Rush didn't come in 2009. Jonathan was so bummed and thought he would never get to see them in concert. Well, he didn't, but I feel like he is living through me. Toph and I will see Rush and Jonathan will be there... I'm still trying to do things that I would have done if Jonathan were here. They are things I enjoy, things I learned to enjoy because Jonathan was in my life. I am so grateful to him for so many things. I am cooking- a little. I am thinking about my future. I am hanging out with new people and finding new friends. I am forcing myself out into this big world- a little scared and a little excited.

I feel guilty for feeling better, but then I remind myself that I am feeling the way I am for a reason. If I was still supposed to be feeling overwhelmingly sad, then I would be. I do still feel that way some days, but it's getting less and less severe. I take my wedding ring off some days to see how it feels. The first day, I had it off for an hour and I put it back on. The second day, I wore it all day. The next week, I tried it again and had it off all day, and next week I might put it back on. I'm testing the waters. I'm testing my strength. These tests have allowed me to grow and heal by leaps and bounds. As much as I will always feel married in my heart and mind, I'm not. The more I can force myself to understand that, the more I heal and can learn to say goodbye. I'm writing about healing and yet, I am sobbing as I type this last paragraph. Maybe it's too soon to feel better, to test my strength. All I do know is that I take it day by day and I lean on God for everything. I am positive that I am feeling the way I am supposed to feel and I should not feel guilty. The way I feel is God's will and I also believe it is Jonathan's will. They are sick of seeing me cry and I have prayed so hard to feel better. I am certain that I am doing things right. I have cried for so long- it's about time I move over this all-consuming hurdle. Thank you God.