It's ok to miss you...terribly

I haven't written in awhile. Mostly, I'm afraid of confronting my feelings at this point. I like to write to get out whatever I need to get out. I think about Jonathan every day. I still lose my breath. It is hard to believe it has been over a year. I am excited about the future, but sad at the same time. As I change, grow, and move forward, I get further and further from my life with Jonathan. There are so many things I do that I do because of him...and I think about it every time I do one of those things.

Going into the garage makes my heart sink. It is so hard to be in there. I don't open Jonathan's side of the bedroom closet. I don't go in the fly tying room. I still look out the front window at times and expect his truck to be parked out front. My neighbor shovels my front walk, driveway and sidewalk when it snows and it's because he loved Jonathan and knows Jonathan would want him to take care of me. I am so loved...because of Jonathan. I still hear his voice and remember what it felt like to hug him. A huge part of me knows that I am as far along as I am because Jonathan is pushing me. I know he is- whether in his spirit, or my own spirit- knowing that this is what he wants for me. I still cry. It's getting less and less...and less severe, but when I do, I sob and I miss him so much.

Jonathan was the kind of man that everyone would want as a friend. He would bend over backward for anyone and everyone. He had the sweetest soul and the most genuine heart. He stressed about upsetting people. He would drop everything to help if you needed him. He was funny- and made me laugh so much. There is nobody like him and I am so lucky to have been his wife and to have known him as long as I did.

Lately, I have been thinking so much about death and how we all are going to be there some day. I guess that is what gets me through. Jonathan only had 30 and a half years of life on this Earth, and I never know how many years I will have, but I will be gone someday too. It's such a weird thought, but comforting at the same time- that someday I will be where Jonathan is. It's only a matter of Earthly time.

It's weird. I think he's reaching out to us this week. A lot of people have been contacting me just to tell me they love me and are thinking about me. I am having one of those days today and it is amazing that it coincides with my friends offering an extra amount of support- like they knew I needed it. I miss my life with Jonathan so very much. I miss coming home to Jonathan- coming home to the most caring and loving husband. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

A lot of things... all at once

My dear friends Kim and Topher had their baby, Calvin, on January 18, 2011. My dear friends Natalie and David had their baby, Caleb, on January 18, 2011. My dear friends Anne and Zach will be having a baby boy soon. My dear friends Lindsi and Scott will be having a baby boy, Jacob Jonathan, any day now. My dear friend Brandie just told me she is 10 weeks pregnant. Jonathan's cousin, Jacob, just had a baby boy and named him Jonathan. I am happy, truly, truly happy for all of them. The hard part is knowing that Jonathan has not and will never meet these babies. I know he sees them- but he will never hold his best friend's baby. He will not get to experience how awesome of parents each of these couples will be.

Alissa and Ryan are getting married and Jonathan won't be there. Won't be in Ryan's wedding- where he should have been. He didn't hold Calvin on Sunday when John and I went to visit Kim and Toph. He didn't get to call and congratulate Kristian on their new pregnancy.

Brandie was in Colorado on Saturday night and I had dinner with her. While that was great, it was difficult. When I am around her, I think of Kristian and I immediately think of Jonathan. I miss the two of them so much. They have some of the biggest hearts I know.

I think back on the last year and there have been so many things that Jonthan was not a part of. While all of these trivial things have been hard, the birth of babies and witnessing your friends become parents, is difficult to experience without the person who was supposed to share in the joy with you. I've been a little emotional lately, but at the same time I'm still so happy and grateful for all the blessings I have been a part of over the last year. God bless my beautiful friends.