Relationships change

Early on, after Jonathan's passing, I read that my friendships and relationships would change. I wasn't so sure. I was surrounded by love. Phone calls every day from numerous people just wanting to say hi- to see how I was. As the months fly by, I see this desire from others fade away. I'm sure I put on a good face. I'm sure I seem okay to most people. I know they are still there, but they don't seem to put themselves out there as much as they did 8-9 months ago. Don't get me wrong, I am so very grateful to everyone who was there for me, who is still here for me. There are some of them I know I couldn't have done this without. So...9 months later, it's still hard. I still struggle. I still think about and love Jonathan so desperately. I am so vividly aware of his disappearance. I actually think it's getting harder as summer starts to fade and fall and winter approach.

I was out running errands and I wanted chinese food. I went in and ordered my food (ordered food for two people). As I sat there waiting for my order, I watched a young couple at a table. Married. Talking about life. Talking about issues. Grabbing the other's hand from time to time. Jonathan and I have sat in that chinese restaurant time after time and probably looked just like that couple. I took my order to go because I'm not quite ready to sit in a restaurant by myself.

My friends are getting married, they are having babies. They have families of their own. They have work, they are on vacation. Everyone gets busy. I know they still care about me, but it's still very painful. I suppose until you are in this situation, you don't know. I still have a hard time reaching out to others. I kind of feel like I'm burdening them... "hey, I know you have a husband and family and plenty of stuff to do, but want to go hang out?" When your friends are single, it's much easier because they are lonely too. They need someone to go to the movies with, to go to dinner with, to just hang out with.

I never thought it would change in the way that it has...