I miss you...both

I wake up everyday and I do "things." I make coffee, I take Drake for a walk, I look for Pokey. I post flyers, I go to animal shelters, I eat. I meet new neighbors, I drive my new car, I pay the bills. I go to watch soccer, I check your cell phone for calls and texts, I look for Pokey. I do some laundry, do some dishes, go to work. I water the garden, I make some juice, and I mow the lawn. I walk Drake and look for Pokey. I pet Toby and give him food and water. I look for Pokey and I give Drake a bath after getting into a skunk. I miss Pokey sitting in the sink waiting for me to turn the faucet on to get a drink. I miss Pokey's little meow. I miss Pokey sitting behind me on the computer chair. I miss Pokey curling up on my lap.

When you passed away, you were the one person I needed most to get me through it. You were the one person who could comfort me, tell me it's okay, hug me, hold me, let me cry in your arms. I was left to comfort myself. One of the things you loved about me was that I needed you.  When I felt bad or was upset, you knew just what to say to make me feel better. When you passed, not only did I have to do it alone, I had to do it as half of me and not a whole. Just as I start to feel better- just as I start to feel good about my accomplishments of getting to where I am, without my other half to help get me there, Pokey disappears. I can't help but relate this Pokey situation to yours. Are you trying to teach me something? If I hold on to hope that Pokey will come home and he never does, are you trying to tell me that is what would have happened to you? If I hold on to hope and he does come home, does that mean that would have happened to you? Of course it doesn't, but I can't help but believe you might try to teach me a few things. You always have been and always will be a great teacher. You understood life a lot better than I did and you always taught me what you knew.

Your cousin, Bree, had a neat dream with you in it. You took her to a garden and you stressed the importance of pruning the plants back in order to flourish. She knew you were talking about much more than the garden. I think about that dream a lot. Bree didn't know that you used to tell me about pruning the plants back all the time. Bree didn't know that you would use the word flourish when talking about gardening. Everything about that dream screams 'you.'

I can't help but think that I am the one being 'pruned.' It's not just about pruning a garden for it to flourish. In life, you would have taught me that we need to 'prune' our lives and our posessions in order to flourish. I can hear you using that analogy. Is that why Pokey is missing? Is that why you are missing? I am learning how to comfort myself, how to get through this stuff alone. Is that a good thing?

Whatever it is, I'm doing this stuff alone. Your cat has gone missing. Maybe he's with you now? Maybe you missed him? Maybe I'm supposed to learn something. God isn't supposed to give you more than you can handle, but I don't believe that anymore. I guess I'm handling it. I guess I have to believe that whatever happens from here on out is preparation for my future. Whether this 'pruning' makes me sad and consumes my life, I continue to believe that I can only become a better person because of it.

I call for Pokey the way we used to... Pucka, pucka. Po-kees. Pucky puck puck. I miss you...both.