I feel a lot of things these days. I feel love, most of all. My boyfriend's name is John, which was a bit unusual to me at first, but not any more. He is John, and Jonathan is Jonathan, and that is that. I actually think it's nice that John is not like Jonathan. There are definitely qualities and characteristics that are similar (things I would always want a man to have), but there are many qualities and characteristics that are completely different. With unique personalities, I don't seem to compare John to Jonathan, and the best part is that I love them each for who they are...
I realized over the last month that I am afraid to express my feelings. I have told John this, but I often feel like I can't just be the way I would normally be in a relationship. I don't always feel like I can be myself. Out of respect for Jonathan and out of respect for all of my family, a part of me actually feels ashamed to be in love. I don't want to feel that. I feel like falling in love will make family think that I don't still love Jonathan, that I don't care about him anymore. I feel like falling in love will make everyone think that I have moved on. Well, I guess I have, in a way. It's hard to explain unless you are living this. Even though most of the family knows about John, I am not sure they all know how much I love him. When I am in love, I like to talk about it and to feel like I can express myself. This time, I feel suppressed and it's all my own doing. My own psychological thing. I know that family only wants me to be happy, but I seem to believe that if I tell people I am happy, they will think I didn't love Jonathan. They would think...how could I possibly be in love and ready to move on after only 13 months? Is that a long time or is that a short time? Whatever it is, it's the right time for me...I feel happy and good about where I am.
Moving on doesn't mean I stopped loving and missing Jonathan. Not for one second. Moving on doesn't mean that I am 'settling' for someone to fill the void. Moving on doesn't mean I have forgotten him, or will ever forget him. I can still hear his laugh and see his smile. I still remember what his hugs felt like, his breathing, his being, his everything.
Meeting John, I have to somewhat put that aside. As tolerant and willing as he is to listen and allow me to tell stories about Jonathan, I'm sure it's hard for him. Not coming from a situation like mine, I wonder if he equates it to breaking up with someone. I feel it acceptable to talk about Jonathan anytime I want because Jonathan is not here anymore. We didn't break up. We were husband and wife, married, and in love. Maybe it's not okay to talk about Jonathan anytime I want. I have to put myself in John's shoes, if the roles were reversed. I am a pretty understanding and tolerant person, but if I had never been through a tragedy like this, I am not sure I could really reason that it was okay for John to talk about his late wife all the time. Yet, John has never said one word about it. I feel so blessed for his understanding and his patience. At the same time, I often tell stories because Jonathan was my life for the past 8 years. My stories include him- are all about him. It's difficult to talk about who you are without including stories of the person who helped shape the last 8 years of your life.
Probably the weirdest part of all of this is that I want John to know who Jonathan was. I have always been best friends with the people I have dated. To share with John who Jonathan was, means so much to me. It's then, almost, that he knows him a little bit. Is that weird? I have so many emotions going through me that while I write all of this, I wonder how it all must seem to John. When John comes over, I never feel like myself. I actually don't fully like hanging out in my house with him. Sometimes I can't shake the memories of Jonathan and I in this house. John might say, oh, I like this and I say, yeah, Jonathan picked that out, or Jonathan really wanted this. John asks where a screwdriver is. It's in the messy pile of tools in the garage, that I have to explain. My house isn't my house because it's full of things that Jonathan and I created together. I never feel like my own person. When I'm at John's house, I'm more relaxed and I'm happier. Admitting these things is not easy because it doesn't mean, for one second, that I don't love or miss Jonathan. It just means I'm ready to be happy with someone else.
What it means is that I'm tired of being sad. I am in love with John, I'm happy, and I'm ready to move on. At the same time, I feel stuck in this house full of memories that seem to hold me back. At the same time, I'm not so sure I can just let them go that easily. Feeling what I am feeling and being in love is hard to admit- not to myself, but to family and friends. As much as I know they want me to be happy, I would never want them to think I will ever forget Jonathan or ever stop loving and missing him. The most amazing part of this is that I have experienced the fact that you can hold love for someone you have lost, but there's still a full heart to love someone else the way I loved Jonathan.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
It's ok to miss you...terribly
I haven't written in awhile. Mostly, I'm afraid of confronting my feelings at this point. I like to write to get out whatever I need to get out. I think about Jonathan every day. I still lose my breath. It is hard to believe it has been over a year. I am excited about the future, but sad at the same time. As I change, grow, and move forward, I get further and further from my life with Jonathan. There are so many things I do that I do because of him...and I think about it every time I do one of those things.
Going into the garage makes my heart sink. It is so hard to be in there. I don't open Jonathan's side of the bedroom closet. I don't go in the fly tying room. I still look out the front window at times and expect his truck to be parked out front. My neighbor shovels my front walk, driveway and sidewalk when it snows and it's because he loved Jonathan and knows Jonathan would want him to take care of me. I am so loved...because of Jonathan. I still hear his voice and remember what it felt like to hug him. A huge part of me knows that I am as far along as I am because Jonathan is pushing me. I know he is- whether in his spirit, or my own spirit- knowing that this is what he wants for me. I still cry. It's getting less and less...and less severe, but when I do, I sob and I miss him so much.
Jonathan was the kind of man that everyone would want as a friend. He would bend over backward for anyone and everyone. He had the sweetest soul and the most genuine heart. He stressed about upsetting people. He would drop everything to help if you needed him. He was funny- and made me laugh so much. There is nobody like him and I am so lucky to have been his wife and to have known him as long as I did.
Lately, I have been thinking so much about death and how we all are going to be there some day. I guess that is what gets me through. Jonathan only had 30 and a half years of life on this Earth, and I never know how many years I will have, but I will be gone someday too. It's such a weird thought, but comforting at the same time- that someday I will be where Jonathan is. It's only a matter of Earthly time.
It's weird. I think he's reaching out to us this week. A lot of people have been contacting me just to tell me they love me and are thinking about me. I am having one of those days today and it is amazing that it coincides with my friends offering an extra amount of support- like they knew I needed it. I miss my life with Jonathan so very much. I miss coming home to Jonathan- coming home to the most caring and loving husband. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
Going into the garage makes my heart sink. It is so hard to be in there. I don't open Jonathan's side of the bedroom closet. I don't go in the fly tying room. I still look out the front window at times and expect his truck to be parked out front. My neighbor shovels my front walk, driveway and sidewalk when it snows and it's because he loved Jonathan and knows Jonathan would want him to take care of me. I am so loved...because of Jonathan. I still hear his voice and remember what it felt like to hug him. A huge part of me knows that I am as far along as I am because Jonathan is pushing me. I know he is- whether in his spirit, or my own spirit- knowing that this is what he wants for me. I still cry. It's getting less and less...and less severe, but when I do, I sob and I miss him so much.
Jonathan was the kind of man that everyone would want as a friend. He would bend over backward for anyone and everyone. He had the sweetest soul and the most genuine heart. He stressed about upsetting people. He would drop everything to help if you needed him. He was funny- and made me laugh so much. There is nobody like him and I am so lucky to have been his wife and to have known him as long as I did.
Lately, I have been thinking so much about death and how we all are going to be there some day. I guess that is what gets me through. Jonathan only had 30 and a half years of life on this Earth, and I never know how many years I will have, but I will be gone someday too. It's such a weird thought, but comforting at the same time- that someday I will be where Jonathan is. It's only a matter of Earthly time.
It's weird. I think he's reaching out to us this week. A lot of people have been contacting me just to tell me they love me and are thinking about me. I am having one of those days today and it is amazing that it coincides with my friends offering an extra amount of support- like they knew I needed it. I miss my life with Jonathan so very much. I miss coming home to Jonathan- coming home to the most caring and loving husband. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.